I started experiencing panic attacks when I was 15 years old. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I was too scared to tell my parents what I was experiencing. I remember looking in the mirror and not remembering what kind of person I once was. I was so caught up in my thoughts of “why am I alive?”, “am I even real?”. Thoughts that were scary. They scared me and I didn’t know where to go. I don’t think I would be here today if I lost the hope I forced myself to gain. I did not want to take my life. I loved my family and I could not even imagine losing them. So I decided to put my faith in God. After a few days, I finally told my mom that I was not doing okay. I told her I didn’t know what was happening. She prayed for me, and we came to the conclusion that I had an anxiety disorder. We found articles on hope and I would read them to receive help. After weeks passed, I was still experiencing deep sadness and would hide the pain again from my family. I remember coming home from school everyday crying from the crippling anxiety that just would not leave. I was so upset. nobody would understand. These feelings were so scary and help seemed so far away. I would not even wish this pain I felt upon my worst enemy. It was too much to bare. And I kept it inside for a few years.

 As the years went on I got used to feeling anxious, and did get better in a lot of ways. I was not experiencing as much panic attacks, but still did have scary thoughts everyday. I thought that if I told anyone the thoughts I was having, they would think I was crazy. This was the biggest reason I kept it in for all of those years. I thought If I just helped myself I would eventually be healed. One day I sat down with my mom and told her that I had been having scary thoughts for a while. I was tired of feeling this way. After a long 3-4 years of figuring out my anxiety disorder, I decided to go to therapy. This was the best decision I could have made. There are people out there who will help you, deciding to get help will save you. Receiving help does not show weakness, it shows strength. My therapist soon taught me that those with an anxiety disorder are super caught up with thinking about the future, instead of focusing on the present moment. She then told me: “The future or the past doesn’t even exist”. The present moment is all we have. We do learn from past mistakes, and plan for our future with goals in mind. But those all take place in the present. I started to really consider being more in the now; to be mindful. This didn’t come into action until she then taught me this: She told me to “exercise” my brain everyday, by focusing on my five senses. When I would bite into a sandwich, I would look at the sandwich, notice its little details, feel the bread, smell the peanut butter and jelly, taste the yumminess, and listen to the crunch. Sounds so simple, yet It has helped cure my anxiety. After She taught me this my life has never been the same. I finally started to feel like the old me that was once there. I started recognizing little details that I hadn’t realized in years. I was so caught up in my mind, I Hadn’t realized I was missing the life right in front of me. So If you are struggling with a mental illness I challenge you to do the same thing my therapist taught me: Use your five senses everyday. Everyday Once a day or more, notice the little details of something using your five senses. This will exercise your brain and will help you become more present. I am so happy to be where I am right now in my life. Looking back four years ago, I am so glad I put my faith into a loving God. I would not be here today telling you my story. I am glad I finally decided to take the next step I needed into recovery, which was therapy.