*TRIGGER WARNING*
When I was about 11 or 12, I realized that I was depressed and suicidal. This came after years of being sexually assaulted by a family member, my parents’ divorce, and being relentlessly bullied in school. My mom’s friend was living with us at the time, and she found a knife upstairs in my room. I originally was going to use it to unscrew something but then I tried to use it on my wrist. It was a dull butter knife, so of course it didn’t work. For the next 3 or 4 years, I thought nothing of the self-harm curiosity but the depression and anxiety was overwhelming.
As life moved on during those few years, my dad was re-married, they were pregnant, my mother moved halfway across the country, my little sister was born, and my stepmom got sick.. I also dropped out of high school my freshman year at the end of the first semester, and didn’t go back until the beginning of my sophomore year. Before I started my junior year of high school, I moved in with my dad, stepmom, and little sister. I started at a new school, started to make friends… Then the newness wore off, the depression set in (again) and BOOM.
My stepmom had cancer, the twist? She was pregnant with who would’ve been my little brother but the cancer caused a miscarriage.. The type of cancer my stepmom had was exceedingly rare, so rare that it only effects about 1% of newly diagnosed cervical cancer patients. This type of cancer also rarely metastisizes (spreads) above the waist, however it spread to her breast, back, and other places.. The first time she was hospitalized, I was 15. We spent a week in the hospital, and that was when my battle with self-harm started. I didn’t ease into it, either. I dove head-first taking out all of my rage and my anger on my skin.
After about a month, my dad sent me back to live with my mom so I could have a proper education instead of having to communicate with my teachers over email and fall even further behind.. When I got back to my mother’s, the depression got even worse and I didn’t even try to hide my scars or my fresh cuts anymore. I silently begged for somebody to notice how broken I was and care. After my junior year was finally over, I began my senior year. During my senior year I was assaulted again, almost raped. If his dad hadn’t started to blow up his phone, he would’ve raped me in broad daylight in a park.. As most things, the self-blame and the self-loathing passed, taking him with it. After I graduated, I met another guy who I was with for about 8 months.. In the beginning he seemed a little off, a little controlling.. Turns out he was abusive, narcissistic, and he didn’t actually want me. I can’t act like I wasn’t also toxic at times, because I was.. I returned toxicity with toxicity and narcissism, I threatened to leave I don’t even know how many times. After he broke up with me, I moved back to my hometown to find myself again and I ended up in the mental hospital.
As of today, I am engaged, employed, and I have a beautiful daughter. There’s a lot of gaps in my story and there’s a lot more to it but I’m running out of characters <3 Just know that it gets better, your life is worth it.