This really does hurt sometimes.
I went on the nami website to share my story and i dont know if ot posted or not but i was writing it from a place that seemed staged as i am wanting to always be stoic and in control.
But really this does hurt.
The meds
The lonliness
The fatigue
The emotions
The deaths unknown by me to covid 19
The racism
The abandonment
Everyone always seems to bully you online if you think or perceive the world in a different way that sometimes you really just want to throw your phone into the toilet.
And then out of nowhere you do a web search and end up in a place in which you are not alone and for once in my entire life i am grateful to know that.
Because yes it was easy to share my traumas from the past that led me to my diagnosis of ptsd, dissociative personality disorder, schizophrenic personality disorder etc but those are just labels.
I still have to navigate being african american in this hostile time and life span in which for many years, decades really i so was an observer only to get into the frey when i felt that i could control the outcome.
Being abandoned i think that s a necessary outcome trying to control outcomes because the question is always looming why did i get left?
Even at 43 i really just want to know the answer to that but i do know that i must at least do the basics to keep moving forward but thats really all that i believe that i deserve…just enough.
Every therapist ive had says that i am strong, self aware all these positives but they too can stop one from getting true healing because i dont know what is behind the door if i walk through it.
Luckily for me (unlucky of course) covid 19 happened and then all of a sudden we where all the same, dealing with the numbers, the debates, etc and i all of a sudden wanted out of the house, outside of my normal which was isolation to begin with.
I will continue this weekly.
Hudson
Phoenix, AZ

