My name is Jennifer and I am a recovered mental illness survivor—

            I have endured severe mental illness for over half my life.  During that time, I suffered from clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

            Due to the depression, my behaviors ranged from excessive crying to excessive sleeping to suicide attempts.  I felt feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness.  All I thought I wanted to do was die.   But in fact, what I really wanted was help with overcoming my severe sadness.

            During my manic states, I endured impulsive, spontaneous, and irresponsible behaviors.  I felt on top of world.  I felt excessive amounts of energy.  I had racing thoughts.  I had delusions of grandeur.  I’ll be honest.  It felt great to be so high, but it is also very dangerous.  Risky behaviors can lead to much endangerment of self and others.

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One in five adults live with mental illness

You’ve spent your childhood watching your mother or father struggle with anxiety, depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder. You can’t remember if you put the cuts on your arms or if it was something they did. Everything may be going smoothly and suddenly, you find yourself furious, panicky or tearful and you don’t know why. They never noticed the cuts. Your life is often filled with anxiety, uncertainty, and vigilance. You don’t let your father see you cry when his anger breaks your jewelry box; the gift you cherished that he gave you only two months ago. You were plagued by loneliness, vulnerability, and helplessness. You felt unwanted, abandoned, and lost. 

I was convinced no one would believe me, so I hid my chaotic home life from everyone. I was the family mediator, calming down a frightened father and comforting a sad, lonely mother. I convinced myself I was defective or different from other kids. When I was in school, instead of paying attention to my teachers, I’d spend all day worrying about how my mom was doing.

I lived in a permanent state of hyper-vigilance, constantly attuned to my father’s erratic moods and my mother’s helplessness. I chose to stay close to my emotionally unavailable, controlling partners and swallowed my needs to gain their approval. I wish I was beaten. I’d feel more legitimate. Who cares about me? Doesn’t anyone notice? I felt angry. I felt scared. The problem is no one can see my scars. I feel like if I told someone I was verbally abused, they’d think I was just complaining about being yelled at. If I’d been a better daughter my mother wouldn’t have been so sick. If I’d been a better son my mother wouldn’t have been so sick. All I knew was my grandparents were telling me that mum’s sick and dad was telling me that mum’s sick and I was confused, because she didn’t look sick to me.

I need positive feedback

Trauma and betrayal.

Staying out of the way, and staying safe.

Growing myself up.

I found myself in a paralyzing depression. I was suffering from complex posttraumatic stress disorder. There’s nobody in this world who loves me … I don’t have a mother’s love or a father’s love, or, family love… so it wouldn’t matter if I disappeared off the face of the earth.

My mother stopped sleeping when I went to college. Maybe it was my father’s heart attacks, maybe it was me. She’s been withering since. My familial environment was terrifying, and the chronic nature of this negativity exacerbated the effects of the neglect and abuse I endured. I found myself constantly trying to fix him. When I’m asleep and my roommate burns her grilled cheese at two in the morning my heart races as the smoke detector beeps. It takes everything in me to stop the panic building. The tears escape anyway. Growing up with dad, I never felt secure… and I know that I have always been anxious, my whole life. I feared to pass on the illness to a future generation. I’m scared to have kids. What if I treat them the same way my parents treated me? What if I don’t get well enough to care for them?

These were necessary behaviors when I was young, but they aren’t vital for my survival anymore. You can identify and stop participating in abusive relationship dynamics. Try to engage with people who make you feel safe and respected, who listen well and are emotionally available. I can be my own person. Thank your shame for protecting you and ask it to please step back. Your childhood was not your fault. It was ok to put some distance between me and my mother, even though I loved her. I named, validated and felt the sadness in my body as I gave myself compassion. I took a walk through the park and looked at nature. I felt better. It fostered empathy, compassion, and resilience. You had terrible role modeling from your mother. You had terrible role modeling from your father.

I will not inherit my mother’s pain. I will not inherit my father’s fear. She never showed you that we can learn to control our impulses. So I’m worth saving? I’m not irredeemably bad? I will always have ups and downs and have to manage fears and the damage that will always be there, but now I accept it and work with it. I can thank my parents for everything they have done for me. But I no longer owe them anything. I will grow strong. I will get better. I will be happy. And I will remember:

I cannot heal my parents.

This is a Found Essay, meaning that I pulled lines from different essays on NAMI and incorperated them with my own experience wot create a creative Non- Fiction piece.

Mental illness runs in my family four generations.I hear voices and see things that are not there which is caused by my schizophrenia.  I have bipolar disorder because sometimes I am depressed and sometimes I am manic. I have PTSD because my biological father was not in my life and my mom could not take care of my mental illness due to her illness. I have borderline personality disorder because every time I get close to someone they leave or hurt me. I have obsessive compulsive disorder because I want everything to be perfect. I am a psychopath because I like to plan for the future. I do burn bridges because I am protecting my innocence and soul. Because of this stuff I am a terrible mom. Yet music, history and my family and animals help me. So hopefully that will help. A friend is someone that knows all about you, yet loves you just the same. My religion also helps me. I have zillions of blessings everyday.

I feel for my husband and 9 year old son that they have had to not only deal with me being Bipolar type 1 but for the past 2 years now they have had to deal with me being in a psychosis and very paranoid.  I also have ADHD, PTSD, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder where I do have panic attacks, schizoaffective disorder, kleptomania, OCD, and possibly now split personalities. Ive tried committing suicide when I was young and I always have had thoughts. I have an eating disorder and impulse disorderThere are more but Im trying to not be 302’d.  I was in a car accident because of the illnesses and all the medications my doctor prescribed me and traumas I was dealing with in my environment that led me to get a DUI because of the ADHD med and I got a felony.  I believe the police officer was not trained in mental illness even though he lied on the stand and said he was and he 302’d me for a week. And then put in jail on suicide watch.  I received no help from the community and my illness just kept getting worse and I decided to give up rights to my son until I become more stable.  My husband and I were homeless for about a year and now he lives with my son and his grandma and I live with my stepmom.  We also went thru 2 discrimination cases that went no where because who are people going to believe, a non-profit organization or a mentally ill addict with a criminal background.  Im trying to have faith in my community that things will start getting better for all of us.  My only hope lands on believing that there is a GOD.  

I feel for my husband and 9 year old son that they have had to not only deal with me being Bipolar type 1 but for the past 2 years now they have had to deal with me being in a psychosis and very paranoid.  I also have ADHD, PTSD, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder where I do have panic attacks, schizoaffective disorder, kleptomania, OCD, and possibly now split personalities. Ive tried committing suicide when I was young and I always have had thoughts. I have an eating disorder and impulse disorderThere are more but Im trying to not be 302’d.  I was in a car accident because of the illnesses and all the medications my doctor prescribed me and traumas I was dealing with in my environment that led me to get a DUI because of the ADHD med and I got a felony.  I believe the police officer was not trained in mental illness even though he lied on the stand and said he was and he 302’d me for a week. And then put in jail on suicide watch.  I received no help from the community and my illness just kept getting worse and I decided to give up rights to my son until I become more stable.  My husband and I were homeless for about a year and now he lives with my son and his grandma and I live with my stepmom.  We also went thru 2 discrimination cases that went no where because who are people going to believe, a non-profit organization or a mentally ill addict with a criminal background.  Im trying to have faith in my community that things will start getting better for all of us.  My only hope lands on believing that there is a GOD.  

I was diagnosed by several psychologists and psychiatrists with obsessive compulsive disorder in 2009, and schizoaffective disorder in 2013 (schizophrenia + bipolar subtype). I thought I was alone, and that no one could hear me, and that suicide would be the best option for me. But it is not, suicide is not. God gives us life and life is a gift. God gives his toughest challenges to his strongest soldiers, and when things are looking bad, severely awful, do NOT give up!!! Do not EVER GIVE UP!!! I see a psychologist once/week, take 2 types of medication, am going through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and have grown stronger with social support groups with my family and true, real friends. Diet and exercise helps too. I was 299.5 lbs and now I am closing in on 280 lbs. Prayer is very important for my family and I, and we can all get better, maybe not cured, but better every single day. See the person, not the illness. Thanks for reading in advance!

Sincerely,

Andrew

I was first diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was 13 years old. By the time I reached 16, a few more labels were added to the MMD. These included borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and OCD. Fun stuff. Medication was the only treatment available at that time. My parents decided the best place for me to be was hospitalized in the mental health unit of a large teaching hospital. I felt and thought the reason for such a drastic change in my life was for their convenience, not what was best for me.

Little background, my father, a surgeon, was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder, treatment was medication. When the medication no longer controlled the symptoms, he would stop working and sit staring blankly at the television for about 3 months. At some point, my mother would notice and send him out of town for a series of ECT. He would return from his “vacation” zombie like but after a few weeks or so, would return to his baseline personality. He always had a flat affect most of the time.

So, apparently I inherited the gene or genes for mental illness of one name or another.

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I have been struggling with mental illness from a young age. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, adhd, ocd, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, psychogenic seizures, and a learning disability. I also am I recovering addict. I would like to spread my story to those in need to show them that the darkness does fade as long as you have the strength to flip the light. The goal is to inspire everyone but if that is not possible I aim to touch at least one person.

“But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.

I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
When I’m not around
You’re so fuckin’ special
I wish I was special”

-“Creep” by Radiohead

Struggling with mental illness is real, earth shattering, devastating, amazing, and everything in between. With the stigma around it, most people and their families choose to suffer in silence but the reality of it is, you are not alone. 1 in 4 people struggle with some form of mental illness. 25% of the population and if anything, they need more love and support from those around them. Suicide, self harming, drinking & drug addictions are heightened greatly just because you have a mental illness. It’s not fun. It sometimes takes every fiber of your being to stay in control or get through a hour of the day. Sometimes just putting on foot in front of the other is beyond difficult. Yet every morning, we get up and do it. We somehow find the strength to paint that smile on our face and put on that show in front of everyone to make it seem like we have our act together. We aren’t struggling. We aren’t depressed, manic, putting ourselves down, struggling, or just wanting to escape for awhile. It’s a real issue. It’s not “in our heads”. We can’t just “get over it”. We feel deeper. We feel stronger and more passionately.

You are not alone.

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There is a long standing history that the institution of mental health has been unjustly accusing those who do not exhibit mentally-ill behaviors or symptoms their entire life and placed into mental wards to hit their numbers and make that number grow.

I have a read a book called “The Myth of Mental Illness” by Szasz. And while it covers some portion of psychiatry as being valid, it does not address that people without mental illness are placed into mental disorder categories using law enforcement(CIT) or excessive use of force and by fabricated testimonials and not real evidence. They are also a silent generation as they are placed into a system where they feel they cannot speak up without sounding like they are going against an overwhelming power in which they feel they cannot win, as they have been set up to go into the healthcare system without real symptoms and pay up into it.

The silent people who have been unjustly accused and placed into this unfair healthcare system of greed are stigmatized while they need legal representation that would be so brave to fight for them, find it hard to prove with sullied testimonials surrounding them that believe they should be placed there. As those that place them there are also scared or hiding about being targeted instead.

The other side is that, if mental health practitioners do want higher numbers, mental disorder/illness does not become as stigmatized over time due to a higher rise in numbers of those as mentally-ill. As we would like almost everyone to have a prescription and see therapist on a regular basis, that is another topic yet to be vetted openly. But also, never discussed.

Criminally-ill are also very different from the mental illness category, I also have problems with this in the press and with pro-gun stories as they are often looped in with high-functioning mentally ill stable members of society.