I have suffered depression and anxiety most of my life but only began being prescribed medications in the last 18 yrs. After 31 different mediation trials, I have been on a medication combination now that is making a difference in my life. I feel better than I have in years and I never lost hope that this day would come. Perfect? No. Better? Yes. I knew that there was a medication out there and that someday I would find the right one. I found that I could not give up nor could I stop pursuing whatever it took to find the right meds. It is important that if you are dealing with depression and anxiety that you lean on others and or perhaps your religion at times. The struggle has been hard for me mixed with a lot of tears but to be 50 and possibly feeling “normal” is a triumph for my personal journey. There is no “magic pill” unfortunately, it takes a combination of determination, commitment, patience, therapy and the right combination of meds to feel close to free from mental illness. I finally feel valuable, confident and worthy of where I am and everyone deserves to be there. Never give up.

**Trigger Warning**

Hi. I used to be really mentally ill. I have had panic attacks, the worst case of obsessive compulsive disorder, bi-polar, anxiety and depression. I have struggled with substance abuse.  I have struggled with self-harm and suicide. One year I tried to kill myself multiple times. 

Treatment:

Coping- I have learned several coping skills. They really help.

Recovery- I was inpatient at a mental hospital. It really helped.

Therapy- I usually see my therapist every other week. It really helps.

Medication- My medication really helps too.

I hate the stigma!

When you are in high school it is difficult to be heard. Especially if you need help. I have super bad anxiety and so asking for help about my depression was a HUGE thing. I had depression for two years before I told my parents, and then one day I snapped. I emotionally broke. I was sent to a hospital and almost died. I was put on medication and was told i need therapy once every week. It was mandatory. Thankfully my visit to the hospital was during the summer so no one missed me while I was gone. And no one asked questions. One day during volleyball season I was sitting talking to my manager and he had gone through the same thing i went through his senior year. He told me that one day he woke up and went to take his pills and instead he through them out the window. He stopped taking the pills and started being in charge of his own happiness. Now im not saying to follow his method if you aren’t ready because i wasn’t. It took me a while in order to straighten myself up and tell myself i am worth way more than I was willing to believe. I found new ways to express my secrets without letting myself become “an attention seeker ”. I took up photography. And for my midterm I took pictures that described how low i was at my deepest moment. I left everything go that i was holding on to. I stopped taking my medication. I even stopped therapy. I met my amazing boyfriend that loves and supports me and I realized that a little stress in your life is good. But if it ever becomes too much, take a deep breath and say “I can do this”.

Hi! When I was in 8th grade after moving I realized one day I continued to pull my hair out. One week later I was in therapy and was diagnosed with Trichotillomania. For the past 4 years now I have stuggled with self esteem, self love and care, anxiety and depression and occasionally suicidal thoughts. I have been in and out of 3 different therapists and 2 types of medication. I used to consider my hair the only redeeming quality about myself. I didn’t think I was too pretty but I had thick hair that could hold a curl, but after trich there were bald patched springing up left and right. It sucks to be in high school with half of my hair bald. Almost on a daily basis someone asks me “did you shave your head?” or the straight up “you know you’re bald right?”. However, despite hating my hair I’ve learned to embrace it. I used to do cheer and have my hair up in a ponytail, and after a while I just stopped caring that everyone could see my bald spots. It’s not easy and there are highs and lows everyday, whether its relapses or self hatred. I wouldn’t wish this disorder upon everyone, but it has made me a stonger, more confident person, and although I’m not perfect, I’m learning to love myself just the way I am, and I hope that through my story I can help others going through similar things so everyone knows that they truly are not and never will be alone.

I was diagnosed with Manic Depression and Anxiety in 2011. An ambulance came to me and took me to the Emergency room when I was having suicidal behavior. From there I was admitted to the Psychiatric Hospital. I went through treatment at the hospital for a week and they diagnosed me with a mental illness. I was also prescribed medication and when I was released to go back home I went to therapy every week. I decided to be Homebound for the rest of my High School years up until I graduated in 2012 and walked across that stage to receive my Diploma. Almost 2 years ago I came off of my medication and stopped going to therapy for personal reasons and because I thought I could deal with it on my own and wanted to feel like myself again. (I also didn’t like the side effects of this medication.) Going through the ups and downs that I have over the years has definitely made me stronger, understand others and myself a little more, life, and I am able to cope better at this point. But, I still don’t believe my diagnoses was 100% accurate. At this point in my life I realize I have came along way but I still struggle every day with my confused thoughts and dark times. I know that I cannot continue to do life alone and try to deal with this myself. You have to work at it everyday and there is always room for improvement. I am taking action to plan to get involved in programs to balance life and help others and myself. I want to reach out to the community and help others who deal with mental illnesses to understand who they are and how to pave a path to bring out the best in them and in each other. I also want to educate people who do not understand mental illnesses and have not been diagnosed.

Keep the faith and keep on keeping on!

I encourage everyone to stay strong & don’t lose hope no matter what :)

I also have a powerful weapon to help me through each day… My relationship with God!

I was diagnosed with depression at 24 years old..I knew something with majorly wrong with the way I felt I knew it wasn’t a normal down mood.. Then around 28 years old is when I got the panic and anxiety disorder which for like a month I could not sleep, eat I was so sick but I didn’t know what was going on.. I have been on medication since I have been 24 years old.. One medication I am on is for anxiety and panic and I dislike the stigma that I abuse those just because they are controlled substance.. My disorder is so bad and that is scary when the Doctors do that when they threaten to take you off of stuff that is what I hate the most .I got an addiction and I am recovering but it is so hard because it made me feel better to numb everything

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June 3, 2014

Thank you for your interest in my recovery story. I have been in mental health treatment for the past thirty-three years. It began at age eight when I was sexually molested by a close relative. I did not tell anyone out of shame and guilt for ten years. I became anorexic immediately following the assault, which turned into bulimia, severe depression and anxiety through my teenage years. My parents would not allow hospitalization or medication because of their ignorance and the stigma involved. Suicide was constantly on my mind. My parents did allow for weekly psychotherapy treatments.

At seventeen, I suffered a major mental breakdown and was limited in my high school attendance. I disclosed facts about the abuse during therapy, but no charges were filed, once again due to the perceived stigma. At eighteen, I took myself to the psychiatrist and received my first prescription for an anti-depressant. Lack of effectiveness and side effects caused me to spend the next fifteen years trying different medicine combinations.

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It was June 2003 when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder which, no doubt, had gone undiagnosed for my entire life. My life was sprinkled with extreme anxiety attacks, OCD, manic episodes, and especially severe depression. By the time I had my own family – a wife and two boys of my own – my depression had gotten out of control.

For me depression was and is extended periods of time inside a six foot cube with no stimulus. No light sneaking in through my lids. No sound other than shallow, rushed breaths. No breeze touching my face. Alone.

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My Fight

I am a 46 year old man who has been suffering from Treatment-Resistant Depression (TRD,  aka, Severe Intractable Depression) for as long as I can remember. I have had a full confluence of treatments ranging from neural modulation i.e Electroconvulsive Therapy, as well as Deep Brain Stimulation; this after trying about every known variety & type of medications and combinations thereof. My TRD is unfortunately very chronic, so the major barrier at this point is fighting to maintaining some semblance of hope & perseverance. 

I’m currently one of 40 patients involved in a Deep Brain Stimulation clinical trial here in Toronto, focusing on the part of the brain called the cingulate gyrus (aka Area 25), where, as part of the 12 hour brain surgery procedure I had in 2013, they implanted two electrodes, one on each side of the frontal lobe, part of “The Brain Pacemaker”…

I’m a former cancer survivor as well, so I know pain and I’m a fighter, but this has gone on long enough that I just simply don’t know how much fight I have left in me. This unfortunately also affects all social interaction, confounding family & friends, who simply don’t know how to deal with the situation & disease. It is a very lonely, gruelingly painful struggle each & every day of my life.

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I was recently at a dinner with two friends, when we began discussing mental illness and mental health treatment.

All three of us have openly had periods of struggle with both depression and anxiety, but we all had very different takes on treatment, particularly in regards to antidepressants.

“I wouldn’t go on them,” said the first friend.

“I would go on them, but just until I feel better,” said the second.

My take was the opposite: I have been taking antidepressants on and off my entire life, and since deciding to take them consistently nearly three years ago, my life has turned around. I plan to be on them forever.

Conversations like this are not uncommon. When it comes to mental health issues, opinions are often polarized and strongly held.

I understand that antidepressants are not for everyone; many people are fortunate in not suffering from mental illness, and even many of those who do would prefer to have medication be their last resort.

For me, medication is a part of a more comprehensive treatment plan to avoid falling back into the throes of the major depression that I know always lingers beneath the surface of my delicately balanced equilibrium.

I remember what it feels like to be unwell.

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