I was diagnosed with bipolar 5 years ago, then borderline personality disorder recently. Like a lot of people, I have had a rough life and been to hell and back. I also have a 5 year old with Autism/ADHD. I was abused, sexually, physically and emotionally. Eight hospitalizations. I put my heart out to anyone with mental disorders or chemically dependency. It is a very rough ride.
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#bipolar #autism #nami #hope #mental health #submission #mother #son #abuse #not alone #tellyourstory #supportMy boyfriend, Steve, has a variety of mental illnesses that he lives with daily. I have learned to adapt to his different mood swings, and so much more. He has Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Dyslexia, yet still manages to teach at a high school and now keeps things under control thanks to medications and therapy.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder when I was 12, but I had had problems with depression, manic episodes since I was 3. I had a hard time growing up, my father didn’t except my situation and just thought I was a bad kid, I was abused until I was 17 by him. My mother tried to help me, but at the time, she didn’t know how. I was put in hospitals frequently. I had three stays over nine months long each, and many shorter stays as well.
I was in a state hospital for a year straight. Most of my childhood was spent in mental institutions, and as an adult, I have been twice. When I was not in them, I was home, getting into major trouble. I remember being violent towards others, mostly family that was only trying to help. I was constantly in trouble at school, got suspended 8 times in two years, and expelled for half a semester.
I had been out of the hospital for three years. I thought I deserved some sort of reward for that, but what I got instead was an upgrade on my diagnosis. I went from having depression and generalized anxiety disorder to having bipolar depression, generalized anxiety, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I heard the words from my doctor and only two thoughts crossed my mind. That makes sense, and What now?
I had finally found a way to explain my depression to family and friends and now I had to come up with a whole new way of explaining why I do the things that I do. I could tell them all that I am bipolar and have mood swings because of the chemical imbalance in my brain. I could tell them all that I have ADHD and may not pay attention to what they’re saying, not because I don’t care but because I can’t focus on one thing at a time. I could tell them all that I get anxious just going to Walmart, sometimes so much that I can’t get out of my car. I could tell them all a lot of things, but how much of it would be true?
The only truth I now had was that I needed to learn more about my diagnoses. I needed to know exactly why I do the things I do so I could explain them to other people. I researched and googled and read articles about all of y diagnoses. I read book son how to live with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I was still confused.
I was born with the Tourettes Trifecta. This is a combination of Tourettes, Obesssive Compulsive Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Unfortunately I was not officially diagnosed until I was forty three, so you can probably imagine how difficult life was for me. There is one other aspect to my story. My father was a violent alcoholic, my mother was an addict and my brother was both. So, how did I make it through all of this?
I was living the principle of “Consistently persistent.” I just did not know it. But I do now. This principle can help you to overcome virtually any and all of life’s obstacles. The key is that you just have to be determined that you will make it.
I now own my own business. I am also a published author, freelance writer, public speaker and Blog owner. So you see, determination can make the difference between being a success or an also ran.
My name is Catherine and I am a forty-three year old woman who has bipolar, PTSD, borderline personality disorder and dissociative disorder. My mental problems began at an early age, where I suffered from physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my brothers. My disassociation came in handy when I began to live on the streets at age eleven and worked as a child prostitute. I began abusing alcohol and marijuana at the same age and stayed on the streets until the age of thirteen when I was sent to an all-girls school for troubled youth. The school proved good for me and I was able to graduate high school and moved out on my own at age sixteen. I met and married my first husband at age seventeen and soon had children. I worked in health care for nine years and loved being of service to people I was a raging alcoholic, self-medicating myself for bipolar, which I did not know I had at the time, by the age of twenty-six. I decided to sober up at twenty-six and went into the hospital and got voluntarily committed. That was when I was diagnosed with all those confusing alphabet initials of disorders and I was devastated when I came off the alcohol and began to have psychotic episodes.
I obtained a wonderful shrink and stayed sober and well-medicated for nine years. Then, I went into a coma for two months due to H1N1 virus (swine flu) and almost died several times. I had to learn to walk, talk, and think again. Brain damage from the acute asphyxia exacerbated my mental illness and I went into a deep psychosis and did not come out of it for seven years. I attempted suicide six times. Finally, after my grown daughter told me that she was going to leave my life if I did not do something to get myself better, I underwent several series of electroconvulsive therapy and a major pharmaceutical overhaul.
It has been a year since I have been completely sane and balanced, no longer telling people that I was the Antichrist or the Whore of Babylon and harming myself, and I have hope for a good life, once again. I hope to use my experiences to help those that have been through hard times to know that they need not give up and that there is hope, love, and life to be had for all of them.
My trauma doesn’t define me, it has refined me to be the person I want to be.
Don’t give up on finding the right cocktail of medications, or alternative medicines. Keep fighting because you are worth it.
The darkest day I had psychotic, full of fear, hallucinations and delusions, and wanting to die, is well worth the happiness I have now.
I am glad I made it, so I could write this message and, hopefully, help someone who needs it.
Right from the get go, I was full of emotion. My mom told me that I was a very colicky baby. As I reached my childhood years, my irritability and wide range of emotions did not change. I was a very smart child, but I was very disruptive in school. In first grade, I would often complete my work earlier than the other kids and then go around the room calling the other kids stupid, roll on the floor, or exhibit other disruptive behavior that led to parent/teacher meetings quite frequently. My teacher thought I had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and wanted me put on Ritalin. My parents refused. I started a private school in fourth grade as it challenged me more than when I was in public school. My behavioral issues carried over. I would still bully classmates and any other kids that I was in extra curricular activities with (i.e. scratching people, hitting, etc.) and I again found myself occasionally in the principal’s office. I was also somewhat of a drama queen–I was the kid that would make a scene at a sleepover or always had to have the attention on me.
In middle school, I started having seizures that neurologists could not find a cause for (although one neurologist suggested that a porencephalic cyst in my brain could be the cause). To see if it could have a psychological origin, I was put in a pediatric psych unit for a few days. I was given an MMPI-A and the results were relayed to my parents–they thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder, but I could not be formally diagnosed with a personality disorder until I was at least 18 years old. A few months later, we found a physician that put me on Depakote and the seizures stopped. I did fine throughout high school and was involved in band and various other activities in school like any other teenager was.
My first year of college went well and everything seemed fine. Around my sophomore year in college, I started getting really depressed, had really bad anxiety, and I started drinking. I was put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications (in addition to the Depakote I was already on for the seizures) and tried counseling. My mom did not see any improvement in my behavior, so she stopped paying for the counseling. Despite being on the medication, I still did not feel any better. I went in-patient voluntarily. The psychiatrist thought I was normal and there was nothing wrong with me. I left without a diagnosis. Things really did not improve and I switched colleges to see if starting over somewhere else would help. I still had the same feelings and I still drank. One night I got extremely drunk and I ended up in the ICU for a couple of days (I was 22 years old by this time, so I was legal).
After one semester, I switched back to my original college. I started into the nursing program (which was the third time I switched my major) and I loved it. I never learned how to cope with stress and I was/am a perfectionist. During my senior year in college, I had a serious suicide attempt. I had had a lot of suicidal ideation in my life (first time I thought of killing myself, I was 7 years old), self harming behavior (I would bang my head against my bed post and cut myself with a knife), and a couple less serious/low lethality suicide attempts before. This time I was exhausted–physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I attempted suicide at a hotel with a bag and duct tape (the idea was to suffocate). There was a little voice inside that told me to stop. I went to the lobby for help. I ended up in the ER, then the ICU, and subsequently, a psych unit (temporary detention order) where my entering diagnosis was Major Depressive Disorder. Again, the psychiatrist thought I was delightful and normal. I had a court hearing and I was allowed release with an order for mandatory outpatient treatment. I left without a diagnosis. I received treatment and my first psychiatrist thought I had Bipolar Disorder I. He retired and I got a new psychiatrist. The second psychiatrist did not think I had Bipolar; he thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder (with a co-morbidity of alcohol abuse). Borderline Personality Disorder is the diagnosis that is attached to my nursing license and it was the second time I got that diagnosis, so that is what I stuck with. I am open about my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder because I think it will help fight the stigma of having it.
I have been in counseling for a little over two years and go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I do not take any medications now. I am involved in NAMI as a Connections facilitator and I am also trained in Peer to Peer.
I feel for my husband and 9 year old son that they have had to not only deal with me being Bipolar type 1 but for the past 2 years now they have had to deal with me being in a psychosis and very paranoid. I also have ADHD, PTSD, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder where I do have panic attacks, schizoaffective disorder, kleptomania, OCD, and possibly now split personalities. Ive tried committing suicide when I was young and I always have had thoughts. I have an eating disorder and impulse disorderThere are more but Im trying to not be 302’d. I was in a car accident because of the illnesses and all the medications my doctor prescribed me and traumas I was dealing with in my environment that led me to get a DUI because of the ADHD med and I got a felony. I believe the police officer was not trained in mental illness even though he lied on the stand and said he was and he 302’d me for a week. And then put in jail on suicide watch. I received no help from the community and my illness just kept getting worse and I decided to give up rights to my son until I become more stable. My husband and I were homeless for about a year and now he lives with my son and his grandma and I live with my stepmom. We also went thru 2 discrimination cases that went no where because who are people going to believe, a non-profit organization or a mentally ill addict with a criminal background. Im trying to have faith in my community that things will start getting better for all of us. My only hope lands on believing that there is a GOD.
I feel for my husband and 9 year old son that they have had to not only deal with me being Bipolar type 1 but for the past 2 years now they have had to deal with me being in a psychosis and very paranoid. I also have ADHD, PTSD, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder where I do have panic attacks, schizoaffective disorder, kleptomania, OCD, and possibly now split personalities. Ive tried committing suicide when I was young and I always have had thoughts. I have an eating disorder and impulse disorderThere are more but Im trying to not be 302’d. I was in a car accident because of the illnesses and all the medications my doctor prescribed me and traumas I was dealing with in my environment that led me to get a DUI because of the ADHD med and I got a felony. I believe the police officer was not trained in mental illness even though he lied on the stand and said he was and he 302’d me for a week. And then put in jail on suicide watch. I received no help from the community and my illness just kept getting worse and I decided to give up rights to my son until I become more stable. My husband and I were homeless for about a year and now he lives with my son and his grandma and I live with my stepmom. We also went thru 2 discrimination cases that went no where because who are people going to believe, a non-profit organization or a mentally ill addict with a criminal background. Im trying to have faith in my community that things will start getting better for all of us. My only hope lands on believing that there is a GOD.
People who know me as an acquaintance, a friend online or even as good friends and family, generally think of me as happy go lucky, a good amateur photographer and always smiling. I’ve worked very hard to keep my struggle quiet, though I’ve been getting more vocal about mental illness in the last couple of years.
Because I keep most of my personal struggles quiet, it can be hard for people to understand why I’m on disability, why I take meds, why I’m not working and if I have so many issues, why am I always telling a joke or smiling. People can be pretty critical and judgmental about what they don’t know or don’t understand.
It was never about how dirty the house was or how many newspapers you had saved overtime or the amount of magnets you had on both fridges. It was the draining effect of what your mental illness would bring. What mom was I going to see today? Will she be nice and funny? Will she be mean and hurtful? Will she be sad and kept to herself? Everyday was different. Each had a little twist to them. From bipolar to manic to depression the things that are forbidden to be talked about. Yet they take so much away from people. I never hated you I just hated your illness. I hated that you became mean in a blink of an eye or you get sad within seconds and I did love when you were funny because we could crack jokes but all it took was for one little thing and you’d switch. I never wanted this for you. All I wanted was my mom. Your illness took over and it was so hard to love you. When you knew how to take the wound you opened and twist and dig it deeper. I know one day ill look back and be thankful for all the lessons learned and maybe help others one day, but for now I just want to help you.