I have bipolar disorder with psychosis. It is controlled by medication, but what a lot of medication! Although I have been ill for almost twelve years I was only diagnosed as bipolar two months ago. I feel that many labels have defined my problems including posttraumatic stress disorder, postpartum depression and psychotic episodes. I often wonder if the label changes anything about the suffering.

Recently I have wondered about the psychosis. Here is a little of what it was like:

I am elated and the world is a wonderful place to be. There is a sense of magic in everything and I am at the heart of it. Places to go, people to see and decisions to be made. What clothes to wear and why? I create my own clothes with golden material and feel like an angel going about town.  I am interpreting events, yes, I am busy. I am taking notes and have even quit my job. Suddenly my family seem alien to me, they look at me strangely now and wonder about me getting a job. I have left my husband and he is waiting for me to return.  I feel rushes of emotion which I cannot control - I rip up paintings I have made and stamp on CD’s smashing them to pieces. No one can keep up with my pace…but then there is a knock at the door. My parents called the authorities and I am going to hospital.

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My husband has bipolar type 1 w manic and psychotic episodes. If he doesn’t get enough sleep or over stressed, he becomes manic. If you have been through the same thing, I understand. My husband became manic last summer. It started with forgetfulness, then lack of sleep. Finally, it was like he was speeding 24/7. He was taking jogs through the neighborhood at 3am, going from extremely happy to irritated and crying. I took him to the dr and after he darted off with the car keys while I had my 4yr old in my arms. I had to catch an Uber home an hour drive away and make a missing person report. He came home at night like nothing happened. He was giving to the homeless and gave away his favorite painting. I couldn’t keep up, especially with a child. I took him to the psych ward and it was a horrible experience. He spent a week there. But, they just basically “policed” him. He thought they were going to do experiments on him and put him in the basement. They ended up putting him in a 4 pt restraint and wouldn’t let me see him. Finally, after 4-5 days on lithium, zyprexa, depakote and I’m not sure what else, they sent him home. He has a hard time following through with schooling or work. I feel like I have to carry the extra weight, but it’s not his fault…there just isn’t a place for him at the time in the correct workforce. His favorite thing to do is make art. He loves sculpting and painting. I hope he can find his niche. Living with mania is hard, I’ll tell you that! I have a lot more wild stories, but haven’t had the nerve to share them yet bc of the fear of family or friends reading. There is def still a stigma. Maybe I’ll share our stories one day.

Hi, my name is Ybsa, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 30, but since my teenager years I suffer from highs and lows, all my psychiatrists diagnosed me with mayor depression, because I never revealed my manic stages, until my last psychiatrist asks me some questions that revealed and diagnosed bipolar disorder I with psychosis.

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I am 56 years old and since I was 16 years old I have had a constant companion which I never liked. I have struggled with psychotic episodes, deep depressions, anxiety attacks, manic, anger which have all created shame, guilt and insecurity with in me. My constant companion is known as bipolar. But through my struggles I tried to have a fighting spirit within me and not let this bipolar win the fight. There were a lot of times I got knocked down hard but eventually I would pull myself back up and try to move on with the most normal life I could.

Of course I had a lot of relationship problems with my husband and one day feeling very defeated I cried out to God and surrendered all of who I was. He answered and let me know he loves me even in my mistakes. My bipolar did not disappear but I knew he was with me through every part of it. And in the down times I could feel his strength. For years people couldn’t understand it. And recently I just felt like I was supposed to let go of the shame and tell my story so that others could find hope to keep going. And to never give up because even with bipolar we have gifts to offer to the world. What I do is when I’m down I rest and when I’m up I give and help others.

This bipolar disorder is a brain disorder and it’s no different than someone with cancer who’s sick or someone with Alzheimer’s who doesn’t’ know what they are doing because their brain is not working. Our illness sometimes causes symptoms that are out of our control. All I want to end with is I encourage those with bipolar to hang on, find good people to support you and if you haven’t, let God into your life because he will be the best friend you’ll ever have.

Karen

Bipolar Now

Bipolar now, so unpredictably she
Bipolar now, it is not the real me
Bipolar now, it will not set me free
Bipolar now, has a tight grip on Ri
Bipolar now, love you all who just be
Bipolar now, tomorrow we’ll see
Bipolar now, God end this for we
For my sweetest young son
who struggles with she
Know now and for always
that I truly love thee
Not, from unpredictably she,
But, from forever your mom,
Since time your heart beat within me

By: KC
November 14, 2020

Hello I have a mental disorder but through many years of therapy I learned not to be ashamed and I am not alone also with my medicine I take every day and my support team I’m dealing with life a little better my disorder schizophrenia severe depression bipolar I hear voices but with faith hope strength great support and prayers I now want to live and have a life set goals keep boundaries build self esteem now my worth and always love myself

For the past 8 years I’ve been struggling with an alarming diagnosis of bipolar disorder. At times I have felt on top of the world, while at other times I have felt so low I don’t want to face the day. Right now I’m going through a low period. But I know with support and faith I can make it through. Depression is hard and darkness is real, but it’s through the darkness I see the light. I have hopes that life is worth living regardless of its circumstances. You are not alone.

My doctor described my diagnosis to me in this way: I’m a 78 RPM person trying to function in a 33 1/3 world. For you baby boomers, you’ll know what I mean. If you’re younger than a baby boomer and don’t understand the analogy, ask your parents to explain it to you.

When I’m manic, I’m like the energizer bunny. Always going. Creating something. Wanting something. 

Right after I got diagnosed, I jumped into crafts and started making these little wooden window seats.

I didn’t create one or two, or a few. I created dozens. And dozens. And boxes full. I obsessed over getting every single wooden window seat in the Tampa area so I could make something out of it. Then I wanted a puppy. (Thank goodness my husband saw fit to tell me no at that time) Then I jumped into soap making. I made pounds and pounds of soap. (All of this is in less than a week.)

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I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was near the age of four. At that time, I was one of the few children with such a severe case. My psychiatrist for almost a year went back and fourth diagnosing me from schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I was destined to be bipolar, my moms side of her family has mental problems. I was unfortunately the only sister who ended up with this mental illness. But what really pushed it over the already mentally breaking point? When I lived with my parents from up until I was shy of 4, was the abuse and neglect. My mom would drink and abuse. Get mad over nothing and abuse. I guarantee you, we had no such thing as food. And if there was any, it was beyond expired. I remember running to my neighbors houses, just to get away. Now, I was young when I left to live with my grandparents, but I just can’t forgive or forget things. My mom came home from a bar, married to another guy while married to my dad. So my mom left, my dad decided to truck drive, and my grandparents raised my sisters and I. Yes, to this day, we live with my grandparents. I honestly, have never met such a strong woman like my grandma. My grandma is my mom. My grandma was the one who sat there while I abused her, yelled at her, spit at her… She never gave up. She was the one who sat through psychiatrist appointments and made me talk, helped me get medication, helped me slowly get better. I used to bang my head on walls and floors. Why? I didn’t feel pain. But, I didn’t want to live. I was almost hospitalized twice, have taken and experimented with tons of medication to get me better, suffered through liver damage, plus the countless blood tests. I still to this day, almost 19 years old, suffer the state of life and mind. I will forever see a psychiatrist. I will forever take medication. Just please remember. That you aren’t alone. You are worth life. I know how it feels to fight demons that are beyond your mental capacity. I know how alone you feel. I understand the tears of not understanding half the things you do. I understand what anxiety and depression is. If I get too stressed, I have a panic attack on top of a bipolar episode. Trust me, I understand. You are beautiful, never forget that.

And I knew I wasn’t right 

So I planned on going that Friday night 

And I knew I wasn’t okay

Making it the perfect place for me to stay 

See, for most, a mental hospital isn’t a choice 

It’s one of those things where you are left without a voice 

Brought there suddenly against your will

Then before you know it, you are given a bunch of random pills 

But for me, it was where I was supposed to be

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