Borderline personality disorder.

Hello there, my name is Leah Groom and I’d like to share my story with you today.

When I was 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder which hit me like a ton of bricks, why is this happening? Why me? What did I ever do wrong?  All sorts of questions were running through my head I was terrified and felt isolated from the rest of the world feeling like nobody would ever understand me, I shut my family out and let myself coil in self despair. Getting a diagnosis is hard but it’s also a huge relief although I felt all these extremely negative feelings I also felt like I finally had an answer.

 For many years I felt as though something was wrong, before I had my diagnosis I was a wreck. I couldn’t cope with my emotions I had this unexplainable anger inside I couldn’t understand why I felt so paranoid and hated I never wanted to be alone I clung to a very unhealthy relationship if we ever broke up I’d cry and feel suicidal and beg for him to come back I refused to sleep alone and slept with my mother if he wasn’t there, I left my work, I left education, I self harmed, I was always anxious, If I tried to sleep in my own room by myself I’d hear voices which terrified me, I never felt so alone. Desperate and fragile I reached out for help and that’s when they diagnosed me. At first I couldn’t believe what I was hearing at first to me it felt as though I was being degraded “Not so bad personality disorder” is what I referred it to. Until I actually searched up the meaning, the word borderline is used because people with this illness border between “Psychosis and neurosis”. For me this explained a lot and made me feel that there really WAS something wrong and the term “Borderline” wasn’t used to belittle my illness. As messed up and alone as I felt, worrying that the world and others around me would judge me, petrified of the stigma I reached out…

And things slowly started to change….

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My daughter had the traits of borderline personality disorder as early as the age of one, but no one knew about borderline personality disorder in the 1980’s, and she didn’t get diagnosed until she was eighteen years old.  Early diagnosis and treatment might have changed the entire course of her life; instead, she and the rest of our family suffered years of misdiagnoses, school problems, drug problems and legal troubles.  My daughter finally did get the help she needed as an adult, but a lot of pain could have been prevented with earlier detection.

After years of experiencing instability in my mood and self-image, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) at the age of 21. And since BPD is a misunderstood disorder, I’m going to start off by giving NAMI’s definition of BPD.

“Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to a few days.

Some people with BPD also have high rates of co-occurring mental disorders, such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and eating disorders, along with substance abuse, self-harm, suicidal thinking and behaviors, and suicide.

While mental health experts now generally agree that the label ‘borderline personality disorder’ is very misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.”

Receiving these diagnoses caused me to feel a million different emotions at once. On one hand, I was relieved that I was not making it all up and that I was not alone. But on the other hand, I was terrified as to what these diagnoses meant for me and my life. I thought that if I researched and found out everything I could about my diagnoses that I could somehow beat them. I was wrong.

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I was diagnosed with BPD when I was in the US Army in 1983. With several hundred therapy visits, 2+ years facilitating for NAMI Multnomah and my own strong determination to get better I was told by my therapist at the time, “You no longer display any of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder”. I was floored!!! But I have not stopped striving to better my life. NAMI Connection has been an integral source of strength and knowledge for me. I am hoping to facilitate again where I now live.

I still have some mental health issues. ADHD and OCD are two of the most present now, but I have PTSD from the abuse I suffered growing up. I still see a therapist and most likely will for most of the remainder of my life. My husband and I are well versed in NAMI Connection. We first began going to a NAMI Connection group in 2013. My first visit was scary for me. I stood at the door to the room and froze. The facilitator, at that time, got up and led me by hand to a chair. I haven’t quit supporting NAMI. Everything I purchase at Amazon.com gives a percentage of my purchase to NAMI Multnomah!!!

 I am a 38 year old mother with borderline personality disorder. Ive never recieved treatment. I have been to rehab for substance abuse several times however. I have recently been researching bpd and looking for treatment options. Ive finally had enough. Ive lost everything so mamy times in my life. Ive been to jail more times than i can remember. Ive lost my children more than once, and its happning again. Ive been homeless for years at a time. I have no car, i am being evicted, i am broke, i have the courts and dcfs involved in my life. I cant keep doing this. 

I have always been open with people about my condition. Its not often that i meet someone who knows what it is. Those that do know usually shrug it off as just a “personality” flaw that, if i had any disipline, should be easily managed. Or else they think im crazy. Psycho. Needy. Slutty. Childish. Lazy. Co-dependant. Just basically an all around bad person. What i wish people understood is that my brain functions differently every time my mood changes, and for someone with bpd, that can happen several times an hour. When my moods become negative, my brain makes decisions that are irrational and harmful. In order to keep myself from going into full panic mode, i will behave in ways that i am embarrassed about later. I take drugs and drink to keep from obssessing. I make impulsive decisions that make perfect sense in that moment, only to wake the next day and regret spending my rent money on stupid things,  finding a stranger in my bed, or i wake to find my boyfriend has moved out. Then i pretend like i meant to do that, and no worries, ill fix it, hoping to lessen my embarrassment. Because its not easy to admit that i have a mental illness that makes ruin everything and hurt everyone i love.

Basically, its time to get real help. I know something bad is coming. Everytime i feel like i am ok, i get a phonecall or text that sends me off another spiral. If you read this, please dont judge. i think its so important to know about this disorder, especially if they know someone with it. My family and partners think im a monster that just doesnt care about my kids and my livelyhood. Thats not true at all. I am stuck in a cycle of feeling hurt or rejected, then doing whatever i can to feel better, regretting my outragious decisions, then praying i can smooth it over without too much damage. Repeat. 

For as long as I can remember, I have never felt like I fit in. Then, in 2010 a close friend was murdered. Shortly, thereafter I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. That is when I truly started to think I would never fit in. My parents just tell me to get over myself, my sister calls me psychotic, and 4 therapists told me they cannot deal with that disorder. I have never felt so lost in my life. Now, my friends have no idea I have this disease because I’m afraid to tell them, my family refuses to accept that this is an illness and therapists literally say they can’t deal with me. I don’t understand how in 2015 there’s still such a stigma regarding mental illness. How are we supposed to get help when we are too afraid to talk about it and the people who should support us the most can’t deal with us? I hope sometime soon we can all stop suffering in silence.

Almost two years ago, I submitted my story for the You Are Not Alone project. I wanted to submit an update to give more people with a mental health condition hope.

As a refresher for those who vaguely remember my post or for those who did not see it, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Like many other people with Borderline Personality Disorder, I had suicide attempts; psych hospitalizations; substance abuse issues; and low self esteem, among many other feelings. I managed to complete college after seven years and was able to become licensed as a nurse.

Within the almost two years time that has elapsed, I have found employment as a nurse and have been working in the nursing field for a little over a year and a half. I was able to save up enough money from my job to buy a house, something I had wanted for a very long time.

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My name is Karen, I am 37, and I have had ADHD since age 5, PTSD since age 15, Borderline Personality Disorder since age 28 and Bipolar Disorder since age 31. I am currently on three medications. Its been hard living with all of these. However in last year has been my most successful year because I married a man that deal with all my issues and still loves me. I have more good days then bad. But when I have a bad day it feels like it will never stop that I am outsider and a burden to all who love me. If you wish to know more just ask.

I have suffered the effects of Borderline personality disorder (BPD) since I was a teenager. I wasn’t diagnosed with BPD until last year. I was ashamed when I was told that I have a personality disorder. A few people I did tell have criticized me for it. That is hurtful. I no longer feel the shame though. I accept it for what it is. And if I have stigma towards my own mental illness, then how can I expect society to not have a stigma towards it? So now I talk about it. I tell people what I have and what it’s like. How it feels and what I am doing to recover from it. The more we educate others on mental illness, the more others will understand and maybe someday we can be accepted instead of criticized. I have attempted suicide more times than I can count. I have had fits of rage, I have been married three times, I have behaved erratically. The good thing is that now I know WHY. I am not ashamed of it. I embrace it and anyone else out there suffering from mental illness, I encourage you to share it and educate anyone you can on what you are going through. 

And I knew I wasn’t right 

So I planned on going that Friday night 

And I knew I wasn’t okay

Making it the perfect place for me to stay 

See, for most, a mental hospital isn’t a choice 

It’s one of those things where you are left without a voice 

Brought there suddenly against your will

Then before you know it, you are given a bunch of random pills 

But for me, it was where I was supposed to be

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