I have five children 3 girls and 2 boys. I personally have anxiety . My boys were born and by age three or four both started showing signs of ADHD. My youngest son who is thirteen now also presented with a mood disorder and a behavior disorder. We now know he is also bipolar and has a destructive behavior disorder.. My girls  the oldest two have now been diagnosed with bipolar depression disorder. On due to health issues and the other due to many years of physical and mental abuse by significant others. One of them is medicated the other is not. Due to no insurance. And my last girl is a normal moody teenager so this is my mental illness story. Which I still deal with all of their behaviors daily even though the teens are the only ones that live with me.

I live continuously with the uncertainty of my destiny but I strive everyday to change the outcome of the stigma attached to my disorders. BPD, ADHD, major depression and generalized anxiety. I could play the victim and blame others for my outcome but that was only an outline or precursor of who I was to become, I’ve had to learn and establish coping skills to tame the beast. Do I lose control, absolutely! Am I still alive, obviously. The problem with being a high functioning BPD is I am overly self aware of my triggers and constantly screaming inside STOP STOP what you are doing this is insane and unacceptable. Anyone who knows has BPD knows that, that inner voice is not enough to stop what you are doing and go back to the rational way of thinking instead of the emotional.

Just like the hulk, he is always angry. The constant turmoil of keeping the hulk under wraps can be in itself exhausting. No normal person will fully understand the struggle but I want to do my best to explain both sides of the spectrum. The hulk is a coping mechanism, a tool we use to either force real abandonment or test the limits to its last string. If someone leaves because we force their hand it’s just a prophecy we’ve forced to come true and if someone stays and endures are wrath we BPDs need to take responsibility that we are no longer hurting ourselves anymore  but destroying someone else’s psyche in the process. That’s not acceptable and has to be addressed.

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I am a military veteran of over 16 years of service. I served as an officer with multiple deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan. In 2015, I resigned my commission as an officer on active duty. Today, I am a disabled American veteran. I suffer from severe anxiety disorder, PTSD, and a mood disorder called cyclothymia. For well over 7 years I suffered with my anxiety and PTSD in silence due to the stigma associated with the disease. first and foremost, I was afraid of ruining my military career. Despite the Military’s efforts and approaches, a mental illness in the Military will still cause an adverse effect on your career. Aside from that, I did not want to admit that I had a mental illness. I always thought I was too strong to be affected by anything mental or emotional related. I was also afraid of the views of others should they find out that I suffered from a mental illness.

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I have had panic attacks since 1973 and also have depression; in 1982 I finally found treatment that worked for me–and have told other sufferers about my experience, hoping to remove the stigma for all and get treatment for those who suffer.  My family (both paternal and maternal genetics) has three documented generations of panic disorder, depression and related anxiety disorders afflicting  ten individuals.  As a child I saw my father help several of his friends get help for their mental health issues.  I did not realize that he suffered  from panic attacks and understood their pain very well; they were all men of the “Greatest Generation” and mental health was not discussed except in desperate private conversation.  I did not know that I would experience the terror of panic disorder myself as a young mother of three preschoolers. When my diagnosis was made at the at a anxiety disorders clinic, the pre admission questionnaire asked about other family members who had similar symptoms….the many phone calls to relatives unearthed the mental health issues among us.  Since then, I vowed  to end the silence and help others when I can.  Sadly, this past week, one of my family has committed suicide because of mental health issues.   My hope is that we will, in his memory, get more help for those who need help.

I’ve had anxiety all of my life, but I feel like I did it to myself in some aspects.  When I was 16, I had my first incident when I tried to hurt myself physically by snapping the rubber band so hard against my wrist, hoping that it would take the pain away.  

The only thing that probably stopped me was the fact that I didn’t want to seem “crazy” to the rest of my family because my brother was already “crazy” enough.  He had conduct disorder, aspergers, ADD and ADHD.  He was allowed to go off of medication after 12 years on it, and I am now on medication because I finally came out to my family after I have my first round of panic attacks landing myself in the hospital.  

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Mental and physical anxiety are no doubt intertwined, but sometimes, doctors, family, friends and others can label your physical symptoms as simple anxiety, when in fact there is something going on internally that needs to be addressed. Right now I am coming off my second admittance to the hospital for stomach related issues in the past year. This time I lost 12 lbs in 3 days due to a severe stomach bug coupled with my IBS. Unfortunately when I was rushed to the emergency room for a high heart rate that was later determined to be due to excess dehydration, I was seen as the boy who cried wolf yet again.

I must admit, I have been there many times in the past due to my anxiety, and I understand that my history makes it easy to label certain problems as simple anxiety acting up, however, what I wish doctors/nurses/family and friends knew, was that sometimes it is not just my anxiety, there are real physical symptoms at play here, and they need to be addressed as if I was a person who had never walked through those doors before.

Unfortunately, this is the stigma we as people who suffer from mental illness encounter on a day to day basis. We not only feel sick, and are sometimes ashamed of how we feel, but when we seek treatment for something we feel to be so real to us, we are shrugged off. I have been fortunate to meet a few doctors that seem to understand and care, but it doesn’t end with just them. Family members and friends can make you feel worse about your symptoms. In my case, some just simply don’t want to hear it that I’m sick anymore, it has been too long for them. I understand this mindset, but it does not make it any easier to feel like you have let people down. It is also tough during the holidays when you feel pressured by family to attend certain events, and you don’t feel physically up to it, so yet again you are deemed as making your symptoms up.

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I come from a family of people who have struggled with mental illness. I remember my diagnosis of depression like it was yesterday. Next came my son s diagnosis of OCD . Then my daughter battled self injury, depression and panic attacks combined with social anxiety. And my mom has had some form of mental illness all her life, which to this day (she’s now in her 80s) has gone untreated.

As far as my kids and myself, we are and always have been very open about our illnesses. Having come from a family that stigmatized mental illness to the point that people suffered needlessly, I am determined to fight that stigma by sharing my stories with others. 

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My family has a history of mental illness and my daughter suffers from it also which is hard enough to face in its self.Then to have adults who are suppose to be touting the stigma free society pick on and bully her for it is disgusting.She tried to work only to have these adults make her life a living hell by comments about our family and how we are all white trash and no good drug addicts and drunks. I cannot begin to tell you the damage this has caused to both of us. Mentally,physically and emotionally.Never mind the financial damage as we both had to leave our jobs due to the harrassment and intimidation caused by these people. These people are working in the education field yet they are allowed to pick on people with emotional and mental problems. Meanwhile they display their stigma free signs which they hide behind and act like they really understand and care.

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And I knew I wasn’t right 

So I planned on going that Friday night 

And I knew I wasn’t okay

Making it the perfect place for me to stay 

See, for most, a mental hospital isn’t a choice 

It’s one of those things where you are left without a voice 

Brought there suddenly against your will

Then before you know it, you are given a bunch of random pills 

But for me, it was where I was supposed to be

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