Panic attacks, anxiety, depression and self harm. I let those define me over a year ago. That was my reality, and it still is, but this time I am defining myself trough the experiences that I have acquired trough getting healthy. 

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I am a survivor of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, self harm, and suicide. Although I am a survivor my fight is not over. Far too often people think that a mental illness can be cured and that is far from the truth. Back in October of 2010 I felt as if my life had fallen apart and I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for the first time. I never really knew that these types of hospitals existed or that the things I was struggling with were common among people my age. I was 16 at the time and I truly felt so alone. From October 2010- May 2013 I was admitted into 6 different psychiatric hospitals. I was admitted so many times that I cannot even give you a number. When I was struggling through those years in my life I honestly did not see myself having a future. I stopped planning my future and I did not care about the long term effects that my choices had on my life because I did not foresee myself living through it all.

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I am sick and tired of living with anxiety, social anxiety, dissociation, addiction, self harm, wondering if I’m going to snap out of a bad episode this time around. I have exhausted my options, even the ones that I  they could help couldn’t because of abuse my whole childhood I have no true potential in my heart. I do not understand life like they do I want to then I got in domestic violence years ago triggered it even more and recently all the trauma from childhood surfaces. Physical, emotional, sexual assault from 2 to 11 on one of my abuses the rest I just don’t remember ever knowing any better. I need to find my purpose and I mean fast I feel like I will stay disassociated and the rest half of my life doesn’t sound so fun for me disassociated. I break I mend  I break I realise I’m still broken. I don’t tell my story but I’m fed up with my secret life from hell. I don’t want to live in hell anymore. I don’t even think counseling is helping anymore. My kids lost their mom years ago, only one child can say they have their mom but not like my other children knew me before the darkness came. I’m a really good mom in darkness imagine how good I could be in the light, Every bit of purpose died out of my life without them and yet if you were to ask them they would say they have a perfect mom. I want to be a mom a grandparent a person that helps others just existence feels just like my life without hope.

The pain that’s associated with the diagnosis of a loved one with Mental illness, such as Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, Self Harm, Substance Abuse is and can be very stressful and depleting on the loved ones caring for the individuals with the diagnosis. I have learned from my experiences with my daughter that it takes a lot of Love, Patience and Compassion in order to be their support system which is not at all an easy task, for the simple fact that they perceive you to be against them in spite of you trying your hardest to help and support them. by the way i’ve experienced all these diagnosis with my daughter who was 17 when I began to see these behaviors began to unfold. She’s now 21 and have had many hospitalization and so many issues with staying out of trouble with the law as a result of making poor choices. The treatment options that was offered for her didn’t work because she wouldn’t participate unless she was in the hospital, so after she was released from the hospital the cycle would just repeat itself. There  were times when I didn’t know where to turn for help, I felt desperate so I would search for answers and resources on websites that’s designed for mental health just to find none or ending back to starting point. 

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When I found out I had a mental illness, it was already so bad. I had tried to commit suicide twice and already got addicted to self harm. I even used prescription drugs to overdose. I got diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I was out on this medication that made me hallucinate and my doctor would not take me off of it. I switched doctor’s and now I am on my 5th medication and I have to take a sleep medication, also.

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**Trigger Warning**

Hi. I used to be really mentally ill. I have had panic attacks, the worst case of obsessive compulsive disorder, bi-polar, anxiety and depression. I have struggled with substance abuse.  I have struggled with self-harm and suicide. One year I tried to kill myself multiple times. 

Treatment:

Coping- I have learned several coping skills. They really help.

Recovery- I was inpatient at a mental hospital. It really helped.

Therapy- I usually see my therapist every other week. It really helps.

Medication- My medication really helps too.

I hate the stigma!

I am taking a huge, uncomfortable leap of faith here in hopes that maybe times have changed. Maybe some of you know, maybe some of you don’t. But I have been struggling severely with depression, anxiety, self destruction, addiction, an eating disorder and been battling with myself for years now. And I have avoided its publicity at all costs in fear or discrimination, humiliation, shame and embarrassment. Though I’ve seen so many brave people take this step in opening up, it has given me some courage in thinking maybe I’m not so “abnormal” and I thought it may be time to share my story.

Its terrifying when things as impacting as these psychological disorders become real. I was 14 when I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD. Later I was told after a more “physical” examination that I didn’t have ADHD. Just shows how messed up this country is and how disgusting it is how easily these doctors give out narcotics to children like candy. Me, I’m a prime example. Especially since those narcotics were my first experience and may have even started me on my road to addiction. Let me remind you, they concluded a year later that I didn’t actually have ADHD after being on these strong narcotics. Though I had started all these medications for my new diagnoses, I still didn’t and wasn’t really able to identify these feelings of depression and anxiety and what they were? Yet I was taking all these pills for something I couldn’t notice?

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My names Chandel and I’m 22 years old. I suffer from depression, anxiety and anxious thinking. It is real. You feel alone ,lost, scared and worried ALL the time. I’m happy that there’s people who understand this mental disease, who actually want to help. This is good!! I’m also thankful for my mental health therapist who is helping with my depression and anxiety. I’m tired of suffering and being worked for no reason!!

#Curestigma

And I knew I wasn’t right 

So I planned on going that Friday night 

And I knew I wasn’t okay

Making it the perfect place for me to stay 

See, for most, a mental hospital isn’t a choice 

It’s one of those things where you are left without a voice 

Brought there suddenly against your will

Then before you know it, you are given a bunch of random pills 

But for me, it was where I was supposed to be

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