Not My Diagnosis/Situation
Ever since I was about 12 years old my mother said I was changing. Until June of 2013 I had no clue what she meant. I knew that I was sad because of loosing my Aunt and Great Grandmother who died three years apart. I knew that school was difficult. When I look back on those times… I realized that I knew I was making “snap” decisions. But at that time, I didn’t know that there was more to come.
When I turned 13 and entered the 8th grade I decided to trust and talk to no one. I internalized my feelings to the point that I would explode in my room about every 2-3 months. I was so depressed that I would never clean my room. It sunk to high heavens. And when my mom got our dog to cheer me up my room got worse. It took “forever” to house train her so in the mean time she would poop and tinkle in my room. Not to mention we moved to be closer to my other Aunt and 4 cousins. I love my family to death, but I was in a bad “space” attitude-wise. I hurt them beyond repair and I’m still suffering because of it.
I was a APEX(top/gifted) student all through elementary school. I was MVP on all my sports teams. I had over 200 friends(that I could name) and more that I would consider acquaintances. Teachers loved me. Everyone did. But I was going through what I know now to be a mental illness.
I started out cutting myself with scissors at school. Then breaking the clips off of pen caps to use the broken piece to cut myself. Then(after no one would trust me with sharp objects) I turned to severe scratching. I would scratch until I bled. But it was like I was in a trance when I did it. No one and nothing could stop me. After being hospitalized 16 times for suicidal ideation and attempt, I knew I needed help. Especially after fighting my mother.
When I was 16 years old I was taken from my home for battery and taken to juvenile hall. I was in and out of juvenile halls and group homes for 2 years. For those 2 years I did things I never thought I would do. I will not mention them because I don’t want to stir any feelings in you(reader(s)). But I never thought in a million years that I would do these horrible acts or say horrible things to those whom I love.
On exactly 5 days after my 18th birthday, I was released from state custody and sent back to live with my mother. I didn’t want to tell her everything I learned about my illness at first. I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy. I was just happy to finally know the name of my illness. I came home with a month’s supply of medicine, clothes, books, and guilt.
Everything started out perfect. I would take my meds every day so I wouldn’t have to see ”things” that weren’t there or hear “them”. But I stopped after the month’s supply ran out. It started again. Finally I told my mother that I was diagnosed with severe Schizoaffective Disorder. She didn’t show my the sympathy that I’d gotten from doctors and nurses. But she showed empathy. Understanding that I was scared, she printed out more and more information about the illness. From which meds they have down to the worst and smallest side affects. I thank my lucky stars for her everyday.
What I’m trying to say is this:
If you or people around you are noticing a change in you, or you find that things are becoming difficult…… Stop. Assess the situation. Look at all the factors/reasons. Then as for advice from a professional. If it’s a higher power, pray. If it’s your parents, ask. Don’t just sit on your soft squishy buttocks. SAY SOMETHING HELP SOMEONE.