Miracle to a Nightmare to Recovery
I was in college. Smoked pot everyday. Had decent grades, not great. Didn’t know what I wanted to major in. No real direction. This was around 1998. All I knew was that I really felt lucky to be able to experience the music and the friendships I had at the time. I had no real concept of what “the real world” might be like. I never really dated. I had braces all through high school, somewhat shy. Just didn’t really deal w/ girls, was more concerned w/ hanging out w/ the “popular kids”, and going to all the great parties. So back to college. Still had close friends from high school. Things were moving along. I’d smoke pot, and have deep conversations w/ friends. Never really knew what to make of pot or those conversations, in general. Then finally kinda snapped. Long story short, a close friend of mine started suffering from depression, and getting involved in harder core drugs. Would talk about suicide. And ended up in some sort of clinic. I ended up writing him a very heart felt letter. It was the first time I’d tried to really “help” someone, def. the first time I’d put it in writing. My friend called me soon after receiving the letter, crying at like 2-3 in the morning. Then we were both crying, very emotional. The most emotional I think I’d ever been. So from there, I basically felt I’d met my “calling”. This all took place in AR. Lots of churches, religion, talk of people being “reborn”. Everything seemed to go hand in hand. W/ the drugs, the enlightenment, the being on the verge of real adulthood. I thought that this was it. I started telling the rest of my friends I’d been “reborn”, that my whole life made sense. All the shit I’d gone through was just a test. It all made sense. I felt that I was suppose to help people. The same way a preacher, or spiritual adviser would. I’d actually start reading the bible, reading proverbs, everything in there finally made sense. I was finally paying attention. I was finally getting His message. So I’d go to friends w/ the bible, reciting verses, telling them my own private thoughts, and how there was a reason for it all, how there was a reason for everything. Completely unaware, that all the while, I was experiencing all the symptoms of psychosis -
Some typical and early warning signs of psychosis include
- Worrisome drop in grades or job performance;
- New trouble thinking clearly or concentrating;
- Suspiciousness/uneasiness with others;
- Decline in self-care or personal hygiene;
- Spending a lot more time alone than usual;
- Increased sensitivity to sights or sounds;
- Mistaking noises for voices;
- Unusual or overly intense new ideas; and
- Strange new feelings or having no feelings at all.
It was like a star inside of me had exploded. Like I’d been neutral my whole life, but I was now a “super nova”. I was having this “divine intervention” w/ myself. I was going to change the world. I was going to be on Oprah.Then the reality started to catch up. I noticed that my friends weren’t really changing, or reacting how I’d “hoped”. Not sure how I’d hoped they’d all react. Guess I thought they’d read the bible and become enlightened, as well. Guess I didn’t think there’d be any more negativity in my life, that’d I’d float on a cloud the rest of my life.
I ended up withdrawing from my classes. Moved back home. Did therapy, anti-depressants.. I just felt spaced out, like I’d really f***ed up my life. My friends were so important to me, I was never real close w/ my Dad, parents had divorced when I was in Jr. High. Over the course of 3-4 yrs., I’d eventually gotten a few blue collar jobs, started taking a few classes at local community college. Slowly getting my identity back, slowly getting past that experience.
It wasn’t until yrs. later that I even learned of the symptoms of psychosis. And I can’t even remember if that’s what I was originally diagnosed with. I’d go to therapy, but how was I suppose to tell this total stranger that I felt like I was some kind of “second coming”? I felt I was the only one who’d ever gone through what I did, who’d ever felt like I did. I’d felt so alone, I knew it’d take forever for my life to be “normal”.
I’m 36 now, so this all “started” about 15 yrs. ago. I found out from a mutual friend, that the friend I’d written the letter to at the clinic, committed suicide 4 yrs. ago.
Life will keep on going, things will continue happening around you that you wish you could prevent, that you wish you could control. You may feel like God is f***ing w/ you, helping you, and/or leaving you be. But above trying to figure out Gods plan, or intentions, what I’ve learned is most important, is having mental and physical health, having a VOICE, and moving forward.