I try to volunteer every year, not only to help others, but because I, myself, have a mental illness. I probably will have it a long time so I try to stay positive. I can’t always do that, but I have faith and the National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) gives me power not to give up.

A few months ago someone asked me if there was anything good about living with depression.  I answered the question but I must admit that I was stumped by it.  What could possibly be good about living with depression or any other mental illness? After all my mental illness has repeatedly pounded me into submission, driven me to my bed for days, and pushed me past the end of myself for thirty-nine years. I have struggled through the seemingly impossible task of finding a decent psychiatrist combined with the stressful experiential process of figuring out the correct medication regime, and cloudy thinking that is the hallmark of a mental health crisis. Then there is the stigma that continues to cloak many of my fellow mental illness road warriors with a shame that only impedes our healing.  The pain of living with a mental illness sometimes exacts a toll that is too high to pay. Viewed through this lens it would be reasonable to conclude that there is nothing good about living with depression or any other mental illness.  However, if nothing else living with depression has taught me to look beyond what seems reasonable or logical to my unquiet mind.  

I am a believer and person of faith.  As such I choose to view my mental illness through the Word of God.  Now I know that I lost some of you when I mentioned God and the Bible.  Before you stop reading, I implore you to consider the entirety of my post.  I urge you to take what speaks to you and leave the rest.

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Faith, by definition, means to have trust or confidence in someone or something. Or in my words, it means to have your eyes set, your focus unshakeable and to rest unafraid. When I picture a Christian who lives by faith, I see a woman or man bold, strong and unbreakable walking without fear, through whatever comes their way.

However, for a lot of us this isn’t what faith looks like most of the time, sometimes your faith looks more teary and swollen eyes, with a racing heart, holding on tight and waiting for the storm to pass. I find this to be especially true when I am in a season plagued by mental illness.

It’s being talked about more than ever before and it’s known as “an epidemic in our nation.” Yet, I find myself frequently confused about what it looks like to live with mental illness and to love the Lord “with all your heart, soul and mind,” in the midst of it. I have lived with mental illness, loved people with mental illness and worked at a psychiatric treatment center for kids struggling with mental illness.

But still, despite my extensive experience and knowledge about it, when I am faced with devastating circumstances or am in the midst of an episode, I still find myself saying to myself, “Everything happens for a reason, yes, this is all part of the plan! Life is an adventure, it’s all going to work out! Smile and get it together!”

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I was diagnosed with a mental illness in my mid-thirties, I had no idea what was happening to me.  I started to hear voices in my mind that said they were God.  I was very much in to my faith so I thought what the voices said was true.  I became compliant to the things that they were telling me to do without hesitation.  I told a close friend about my situation and I was hospitalized in a mental ward for 3 months.  I was then signed over to my parents care and on a out going patient care. I was assigned a psychiatrist and was given medication, which by itself did not help much.  I had to learn that the medication and my faith together are what has helped me tremendously.  I have learned through my faith that there had to be a fight in me to always believe and have hope and never give up.  So i say to those who are struggling, fight the good fight of faith and never give up hope!

Mental illness has been a part of my life for the past 30 years.  There have been many ups and downs.  There have been times I was hopeless and wanted to die.  Mental illness has even consumed my life at times.  Even so, mental illness does not define me.  I am more than schizoaffective disorder, depression, and bipolar 2.  I am not ashamed to have these disorders.  But I am also more than a label.  I am a unique person who happens to have a mental illness.  I do, however, understand that these labels are important, since they are used in giving the doctors direction in the best treatment for me. 

Having a mental illness has been the worst and best thing to happen to me.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  It has disrupted my life.  It has caused much pain for me and my family.  And it has moved me to the point of almost taking my own life.  Yet, having a mental illness has taught me many things about myself and about life.  I have learned that joy can be found in the simplest of things.  Every day is a day to start over and begin again.  I have seen more love and compassion from family and friends than I may have never seen otherwise.  I am more capable than I would have ever imagined to stand up to the hardest of life’s challenges.   Perseverance has become my friend.  And faith leads to healing for mind, body, and soul.

This thing we call life throws things at us sometimes that can overwhelm us and push us to our limit.  It dangles hope in front of us sometimes, only to jerk it away in an instant.  And just at the moment we think we have it figured out along comes a curve ball in the form of unforeseen relapses and occasional hospitalizations.  Mental illness has robbed me of many years of productivity and happiness.  But it has also led me to where I am today.  And that is a good place.  It is a place that I never dreamed I would be.  I am blessed with a wife who loves and understands me and a son who loves me unconditionally.  I have a sense of purpose and a desire to help others who are living with a mental illness. 

Yes, having a mental illness takes away so much from people.  However, learning to live life with a mental illness can give a new sense of meaning and purpose.  Finding this meaning and purpose is a process that takes time and patience.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  And discovering meaning in the pain of mental illness won’t come overnight. 

I believe that real meaning in life can be found in the quality, not quantity, of life that we have.  Because, of the treatment I have received and the help of many caring people I am able to experience the quality of life that escaped me for many, many years.  Now, I am convinced there is a purpose for my pain.  My life has meaning.  And, hope, is a common word in my vocabulary.  There is hope.  There is always hope.  Mental illness does not define me.  It is not who I am.  It is something I am learning to live with and overcome every day.  By the grace of God, my future is bright.  And I am determined to shine the light of hope on others who may also be living with a mental illness. 

May is Mental Illness Awareness Month.  Each year it brings up memories that I have tried to forget for over 40 years.  This year I am tearing down the walls I’ve built around my mental illness memories and cycles of suffering.  This year I am being vulnerable and engaging in a conversation about the shame and stigma around mental illness by sharing my personal story with you. 

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My life has been affected in several different ways by mental illness. I have been diagnosed with mental illness—I suffer from depression and have been told that I am bipolar. I choose to manage my diagnosis without medication. My 27 year old daughter suffers from a variety of mental illness diagnosis, but the biggest way my life has been affected is by my son being diagnosed with multiple mental health diagnosis at the early age of 4. I noticed that he was different from most children early on (around 8 months) because he hardly ever slept. I was exhausted as a young mother of 2 babies. His sister was 18 months old when he was born. When he was almost a year old, he was diagnosed with spinal meningitis. He had a very scary seizure because of a high fever and was hospitalized. This was the true beginning. From that point on, we were in and out of doctors and hospitals and I really didnt know what I was supposed to do about his behavior. At the age of 4 he set my house on fire at 3 am in the morning, when everyone else was asleep. At this time, his neurologist had him institutionalized. After several short stays in mental hospitals for children, he was admitted and I was told he would probably be there for about 6 months and he ended up staying in that facility until he was about 12 and I finally was able to have him moved. He was hospitalized and then kept in group homes until he was 18 years old when he finally signed himself out. After he signed himself out, he began to stay in trouble with law enforcement. He had the following diagnoses: Impulse control disorder, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, IQ of 59- that of a 7 year old, schizophrenia, bipolar, OCD, seizure disorder. After several encounters with the law, DJ ended up in an altercation with his godmother and stabbed her in the shoulder blade and the neck. He did not kill her, but when he saw the blood, he immediately called 911 and waited on the side of the road for the officers to get there and was transported to jail and charged with aggravated assault. After a year in the county jail, he plead guilty to these charges and was sentenced to 10 years due 5 and was sent to prison.  DJ was in prison from 2014 until October 2017 when he died in prison. DJ had turned 25 years old one week before his death. DJ was such a free spirit, with no boundaries and a handful to deal with. He had the goofiest smile ever and really worked my nerves any chance he could, but he was my DJ and I loved him no matter what. I spent most of his life with him at these hospitals, having family therapies and celebrating holidays. DJ’s mental illnesses were not handled appropriately and because of this, my son is no longer here on Earth with me. I miss him tremendously and have been suffering from depression a lot more lately. I tried to kill myself in May by taking 160 pills, but obviously God was not ready for me yet. My oldest daughter has been hospitalized in 4 mental hospitals since last year. My youngest 2 children arent speaking to me because they think I was a terrible mother because I let DJ die in prison. This has absolutely torn my family apart. I have joined NAMI because I want to be a voice for my son, for myself and for my family. I want to open Safe Haven homes in his memory and I need help doing this. 

Some say that faith and Mental Illness are like oil and water. If you have enough faith, they say, you will never have mental Illness. I have both anxiety and depression. I believe that faith can act as a guide to help you seek treatments and therapy. Let me be clear here. Whether you pray to a higher power or meditate, or do both, pick among a set of behaviors that might set your mind beyond your pain. You are valuable to this world, even when you are just standing still. My meds and therapy are gifts from God. They help me see the world with greater clarity and with less rumination over how this person or other hurt me. I am not scared about doing my job. I have earned degrees and have gone on to teach what I learned. The time is now to give up on stubbornness. How much time have you wasted? My main message is for you to seek help, especially when you exercise your faith. You are stronger than you think.

I’m Shawnene and I was diagnosed at age 13 with a mental illness. I come from home to home in foster care. I guess that’s why I was so angry but it proved only strength and growth in my life. I am in many programs and all related to mental illness. One I am currently enjoy is an organization focused on mental illness and artistic expression in breaking stigma related to mental illness. I have been writing poetry and enjoying mic nights and being involved in helping with the next set of artists in our next show. Also I am in NAMI Peer-to-Peer with amazing adults that come together to support and educate each other with coping and dealing with mental illness and sharing their stories. I am pleased to say recovery is possible. Not anyone is alone as I am currently still recovering and wish to go to college this summer for psychology as my major. I want those to know that it’s ok to have emotions and feel the way they do. It’s human and it’s normal and no one is ever alone. I am currently enrolled in college attending programs and have managed my medications. I am recovering.

Mental illness that is? 

I saw this on morning News.  You see most people with Mental illness will do extraordinary things to connect.  The perception of mental illness is the biggest block to connection.  I have written on Facebook, letters to Oprah,Senators,Lawyers. as a result I was forced to resign my teaching career. Since I have been arrested several times, not for deed but for fear. I have been harassed by police at home a dozen times not for deed but for the need to scare. When I hear the dogs bark I’m afraid.  But I still reach out to connect as I am now.  I could use legal help for the mess I’m in.  My civil liberties for the last four years have been exploited and my mental illness targeted.  Mental illness means you think different.  Those differences generate hatred for fear of the unknown.  For four years hatred toward me has grown.  Fortunate for me I saw a therapist right away.  I took my medications as prescribed and I am dealing with those demons that formed me.   Sexual abuse, child neglect, child endangerment, alcoholic parents, schizophrenic sister, ……  literally. 

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