From me to you, my borders from all of my parental boderline life of 65 years .
When I was born in the 1950s….I was 4 1/2 ibs. I was incubated for a month. In those days the parents did not hold the babies, When I arrived. home. my mother stuck a huge bottle in my mouth with sugar water a bit of. formula, too. Thus the bond with mother was broken from the very beginning,. I cried alot! My father did not know what to do. So he began to shake me whenever I cried(he admitted it to me later both verbally and in writing.) Not much was known about shaken baby syndrome at that time. Soon when I I grew a bit, I began hitting my head on the floor and on the wall.
As I grew older my family became a chaotic, dysfunctional, behavioral, mess. My parental expectations became unreasonable….my mother thought I should be perfect and what ever I did made m father mad. He took all of his angst out on me every day. He drank 8 cups of black coffee a day. As I entered my teenage years he would chase me and yell. I spent a lot of time in bed, bath, or hidden from my. father. Sometimes when he was coming after me would run into the bathroom and pull the drawer out behind the door then he would yell, ” I am coming through that door!”They both spanked us all. My dad used a belt.
As the years went by my depression led to an overdose at 20 .I was hospitalized for a month. I admitted myself. I allowed my self to feel and to cry. At about 30 I began to ask questions about my past I laid in my bed and felt like a skeleton of death. I became the cinderella of the family. I did all the house work while my parents both worked. I had an adopted sister and brother. Both of my parents focused on me and never advocated for me. Both of my siblings. were also angry.
Eventually I found a wonderful family physician and therapist. They both felt that I was Boderline. I was evaluated and also diagnosed with Boderline and PTSD. I lost 4 different jobs because of my difficulty with and authority and women. After the loss of the last job, the death of my therapist, and the onset of Christmas I became catatonic and suicidal.i was hospitalized in a psych ward. After the loss of another job I was bed ridden for a full year.
I am 65 years old. I have an amazing husband who understands my mental illness. We celebrated 35 years this year. I only have one really good friend. Friendships are difficult for me…I have agrophobia, I have lots of anger, frustrations, anxiety, and severe low self esteem. At times tears just flow through my eyes. I have suffered with insomnia.
I have 2 amazing daughters. I have struggled with guilt in relationship to mental illness and their childhoods, We usually include them in my therapy and psychiatric apts. I have had night mares with horrible themes …my mother is as mean in my dreams as she still is in real life. I have very consistent dreams of my father. I do have awesome and happy dreams. Before my father passed away, I sat with him, both in tears ….We asked each other for forgiveness. I feel like I have taken every kind of medications there is. I have been lucky to have two angels that guide me. The hardest angels to find are therapists. It is hope that these years of my life will shed light. Do not give up…I went to community college, universities and I have taught grade school . I am a high functioning Borderline, my parents gave me much to work to do, creatively, nature and my current family of 4 is the best-healers. It is such hard work. We will always have this illness..
What ever will they do with me when I turn 100…I love my grandmas.