September began with a fast and steep decline into the darkest depression I have experienced. Extrinsic forces only helped to push me down faster than gravity could pull me.
I was jobless at the beginning of September with nothing on the horizon. I spent eight years on a career that started dying out about three years ago, so not only was I unemployed, I had to mourn a great loss. My career wasn’t just something I did, it was who I was. Losing that felt like I had abandoned myself, and, worse of all, had become a disappointment to my loved ones.
I was broke. My mother says, “Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure helps.” I grew up in a family that was broke a lot of the time. Once I graduated from college and started my career, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let that happen to my family.
I was bored. My sixteen-year-old daughter went back to school leaving me without a key distraction. Boredom is a playground for internal demons and negative self-thinking.
It’s obvious that those three states of being are intertwined. Having depression (along with general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder) means my mood is often swayed by external influences. More so than someone who isn’t living with mental illness.
Not to digress too much. This is about how I found my way back.
I spent September feeling despondent, hopeless, powerless, and ugly. The only time I felt “good” was while I was eating, so I ate too much and gained weight. That only fueled my feeling powerless and ugly which led me to eat more which reinforced powerless and ugly. I would cry to my husband from time to time and that put a flimsy field dressing on my wounds, but it wouldn’t last. It couldn’t last. I wasn’t making any changes to actually help myself feel better.
Last week, I spent some time in my dark closet on the floor. It felt good to be in there. Dark and alone, the outside environment matched the inside. In college, I learned about pressure gradients and how pressure is always trying to stabilize by being equal on the outside and inside. When the pressure is not equal, it can be a catalyst for catastrophe (not always, but it works for this example). I sat there for about an hour, allowing the pressure to equalize. It didn’t help 100%, but it was a start. Over the course of the week, I started to come out of it. I’m not all the way there yet, but I feel miles away from where I was at the beginning of the month.
My experience is unique to me. I can’t (and shouldn’t) offer advice, but I will say this: Hold on. Keep your nose above the water. You will find your own way back.
