COLLATERAL DAMAGE
Collateral Damage: injury inflicted on something other than an intended target.
Although I do not suffer from mental illness, my family has suffered, and continues to suffer, from the effects of mental illness. You could say it’s collateral damage.
My daughter had bipolar disorder with associated schizophrenia.
My first-born child, she came into this world as a cute little strawberry blond. Her father’s bipolar disorder soon came to light and, due to his abuse, I divorced him when she was just 3 years old. Our nuclear family then consisted of my actively-involved and supporting parents, her younger brother, and me. When she was 10, I remarried and soon thereafter, we added another son to the family. She had a very normal upbringing in an upper-middle-class neighborhood and had many opportunities that other children did not have in life. She was a strong-willed child, but, as she grew older, her issues presented primarily through anger and “emotional issues” which disrupted our family life and for which we all received counseling.
As a teen, in order to give her a new perspective and to allow our other children to live without her daily rantings, she went to live with other family members until she graduated from high school. She excelled in these situations. She enrolled in college, but when the 9/11 tragedy occurred, she completely lost it. She quit school and returned home. She had a few jobs and even worked as a stand-in for a movie that was filmed in our town.
All in all, she was a beautiful young lady who had a zest for life, a sparkle in her Caribbean-blue eyes, and so many opportunities. She fell in love, moved out of town and married at age 19. Within four years, she had three children and their marriage was on the rocks.
A single parent at 24, she needed help raising her children, so we moved her, and unbeknownst to us, her growing bipolar disorder, back to town.
Bipolar disorder, quoting NAMI, “is a mental illness that causes dramatic shifts in a person’s mood, energy and ability to think clearly. People with bipolar experience high and low moods—known as mania and depression—which differ from the typical ups-and-downs most people experience. The average age-of-onset is about 25, but it can occur in the teens, or more uncommonly, in childhood.”
The last 12 years have been full of few “ups” and so many “downs.”
The “ups” are her four children, and spending time with them. She remarried as soon as her divorce was final, and had another child. Although she loved her children with all of her heart and soul, she was unable to keep up with all that entails raising four children, all boys, and I mean “all boys.” Her new husband did the best he could to work and care for the family all the while her mental health issues were becoming more prominent. My husband, two sons and I all did our best to support them, and to give her children a foundation from which to grow.
The downs are too numerous to mention, but I’ll hit the highlights (lowlights?):
- There were many family court battles over visitation and custody with her first ex-husband. Eventually, he was granted custody of the three oldest boys and her rights to her own children were terminated.
- He also refused to allow me any visitation with my grandchildren, and after almost 2 years of litigation, I lost my fight. As it stands now, I have no way to see or even communicate with my three oldest grandchildren. Even worse, my youngest grandchild has lost his three brothers, and the three oldest have lost their youngest brother.
- Her second marriage also ended in divorce, and he was granted custody of the youngest child.
- Her manic moods became much more severe, and schizophrenia soon set in. She did receive medical and psychiatric help as an in-patient and out-patient, but either she failed to follow her prescribed treatment plan, or the plans weren’t effective.
- Despite my helping her in so many ways and, particularly, in helping her to get approved for monthly Social Security Disability payments, she became homeless, sometimes living in a tent, homeless shelter, storage shed, etc. She lost all of her possessions through neglect, foolishness, etc.
- She threatened “great harm” to me. In order to protect myself and those who live/work with me, I was forced to get a restraining order – against my own daughter.
- She was arrested numerous times as a result of her manic episodes and the behavior she exhibited during those episodes. (Each time, I pleaded with the court to get her more treatment, not jail time. Unfortunately, our jails are filled with the mentally-ill.)
- She left town on a bus one day, not really knowing where she would go or what she would do. We’re not really sure what happened from that point on.
In late July, we received the phone call we had always dreaded. A call came from the County Coroner’s Office in a state 700 miles away. We still don’t know the “what” or “why” of her death, but it doesn’t really matter. She was a victim of an inherited mental illness, and the side-effects thereof.
We brought her home and, remembering what and who she was when she was at her best, we celebrated her life and laid her to rest. She is no longer suffering. We are no longer burdened with worry. Maybe God decided it was time for an end to her misery that wore on us all.
The damage has been done, and we have our scars. As to the three oldest grandchildren we have now “lost,” I pray that they are well, and that we will be reunited at some point. Her youngest child is, thankfully, part of our lives on a consistent basis. My husband, two sons and I are all happy, well and thriving. Life goes on.
