What a relief to finally tell my story. It is absolute torture when people whom I care about doubt that there is anything wrong with me; and who, in essence, say, “just get over it!”
I was my moms second child; her first pregnancy miscarried. When I was still in my crib, my brother was born. He was quite ill and in and out of the hospital for operations to his damaged heart. I knew he was ill but i could not yet leave my crib, could not go to comfort him. This inability haunted me my entire life. My brother died after 6 months of life. Another miscarriage and then my mom got pregnant and carried to full term. I remember her calling the doctor to say she felt the baby inside her thrashing around and she was concerned. The doctor told her it was nothing and to just show up next week for her caesarian birth process. The baby was born dead, strangled by his umbilical cord. During the time that these births and deaths were happening, I was forgotten; locked in my room, or sent home with our housekeeper.
When I was in my crib, while my brother was still alive, I tried to climb out to see him. My mom, who, i am sure, believed she was protecting me, started hitting me with my dads leather belt. She would pull down my pants and undies and strike my bear bottom till she raised welts. I remember the moment when I left my body. I said to myself “she thinks she’s hurting me, but i feel nothing.” (i did not return to my body till 40 years later) These beatings continued for 5 years. I was very frightened of my father, also, as he was a rageoholic and I thought he would kill me. i could not leave the house with him and my mom without throwing up at home and wherever we went. I was sure i would be abandoned or murdered. My father, claiming to know nothing of my mothers abuse, began his own crippling campaign. i was a bit of a nervous Nellie and he put me down for that till he died. No one made the connection that i was sort of flapping in the wind. A petrified child/woman all alone in her fear and self hatred.
Love Is The Answer!
Much as a cancerous tumor destroys bodily tissue, mental illness destroys the brain’s hold on reality. Our thoughts become askew, and cripple us or worse. Emotional needs are very real- the need to love and be loved is hard wired into our DNA. This means that overlooking, and not paying attention to this crucial need to feel loved and worthwhile CAN CAUSE MENTAL ILLNESS.
Love is as sun to a plant. It will wither without enough of the sun’s warmth. So will a child or an adult become mentally ill, if too many tragedies (a perfect example: serving in the military) befall them, or even just one attack or harsh words at the wrong time, can literally crush someone’s spirit.
My saddest thoughts are that I lost my beloved husband and some dear friends because of my anxiety disorder, and inability to get out in the world. Tho I am 66, I am still searching for that rainbow that I know is overhead.