December 27, 2013…Two days after Christmas. Alone. I remember seeing two lights, thinking I was laying on Railroad tracks and going to die. I remember hearing someone yell my name, “PAMELA”. What was happening? Someone help! Around the 31st of December my oldest son came to see me… In Jail!!! What happened? All I can remember is someone (maybe him) say, “You have five (yes, 5) Attempted Murder charges”. WHAT??? Oh my God!! All I could think was “who did I kill?” Where was my life? What happened? Where was my husband?
I am BPI, PTSD, OCD with severe anxiety. Married 33 years with two grown son’s. One is an U.S. Marshall. I had my first felony charge in 1995. Never have had a speeding ticket, parking, etc….do not do any illegal drugs, no smoking, etc…so, why was I in jail? My first court appearance was within two weeks. I would be let go then. I found I didn’t kill anyone, but, this was serious.
From the standpoint of the Officers report and my son: I began drinking. My husband had been flown oversea’s (he is a Military Contractor). He left December 01, 2013. Why was I becoming so hysterical? He had been gone before. But this time was different. For some reason approximately three weeks before he left I began asking him (then begging him) not to leave me. I didn’t know why. Just an iry feeling. So, having my Christmas alone was O.K….well, turns out it wasn’t.
PAMELA!!! What? Who was that? Where was I? On the report it states: Mrs. Langvardt had a loaded weapon to her temple pulling the trigger multiple times. She was told to put the gun down. Instead, I pointed the gun at the Officers and began pulling the trigger. The gun was loaded. So, why was I still alive? Was I trying to committ suicide? The first two weeks are a blur. After going to my first court hearing, my Judge said that my bail had been set at $250,000.00. As I stated, I have NEVER been incarcerated. I was taken from a beautiful, quiet neighborhood to complete chaos. How was I going to survive? Where was my husband?
Time passed. I lived in filth. Disgust. I heard stories that made my brain swim. Where in the hell had I gone? I was in HELL. There is a process that you go through while incarcerated (at least where I’m from, there is). I went from Alpha 2 (the suicide ward) and four days later to Alpha 3. In Alpha 3 I was locked down for 25 hours every other day. No music, T.V., etc… only books. I began writing. My husband had finally come home. The company he is employed with flew him home at their expense. I will be grateful to this Company forever.
I remember this time (38 days in Alpha 3) I wondered what this Officer thought of me. I felt horrible. I felt like a piece of dirt. What had become of my life, was now seemingly gone. I’m not putting myself above anyone, but, I had reached an all-time low in my life. My husband began coming to see me in jail. This was a positive reinforcement for me.
I then decided enough was enough! I was 53 years old and I was NEVER going to “slip-through the cracks again”. I wrote my Judge a 27 page (front and back) letter, telling of my history. It took about a week to complete. I then began praying. I always had my faith and knew that this was my only hope. I was looking at a $250,000.00 bail and 8-12 years prison time for ONE count of Attempted Murder, I had 5!!!
After writing my Judge about my history…I began thinking about what had happened to my life. What brought me to this place? I remembered in about 1984-1985 I was first diagnosed with PMS!! HA! They didn’t know what to call it back then. Time passed. Yes, there were multiple attempts of suicide. They were SCREAMS for help! No-one had ever helped. Everyone just passed me by. I didn’t realize I was screaming, I just knew I had been in pain for a very long time.
God gave me an answer that I was to be released between the 9th and 21st. I thought this was going to be of January. Well, it wasn’t. I was let down by God, so I thought. After being in Alpha 3 for about 38 days I was transferred to Alpha 1. I didn’t know how long I would be there. There were over 100 women in this unit. I had gained a little bit of confidence and strength in Alpha 3. I was given a single cell. It was dirt! I made that cell, my new home. I began living out of a bin. Everything I owned was in there. There was no heat. I remember wearing three pair of socks, two thermal shirts and long johns with two sheets a pillow case, pillow, and two blankets. At night, we froze. I remember learning how to cover my head during the night and breath. Yes, I hyperventilated a little bit, but it was better than being cold. Many nights, I shivered myself to sleep. At meal time, you ate! Yes, you ATE!! I found hair in my “fried” potatoes! Other’s found stuff in there food that I can’t begin to say. You removed what was in there that you didn’t want to eat and ate what was left.
January passed. Then February and March. I learned to adjust. There were vicious fights (I’ve never seen a fight between two women). I learned the “street-talk” there were even some good times. Sometime in April I was sent to Echo 2. They called it “The Tower.” It was an “open-bay”. No cell doors. But, eight beds to a “pod.” Open baths, etc… Brand new place. Nice painted floors, nice tables, etc….If you made it to Echo, you were either going home or prison!!
Approximately four weeks before my release a male Sheriff’s Deputy approached me…I thought I had done something wrong. He said, “Do you remember me?” I said, “No.” He said, “I’m the Officer that arrested you at your house.” I could feel the blood drain from my body. I started to get emotional and thought, no! I had become stronger and I could make it through this. He said, “I didn’t think you would remember.” I said, “You were going to kill me, weren’t you?” He stated, “Yes, you were 10 seconds away from dyeing.” I said, “Sir, can I shake your hand?” We shook. I said, “Thank You for not killing me, you have an Angel on your should.” We talked a little and when he left I got emotional and broke down. I finally got to meet with the man who almost killed me.
December 27, 2013. The gun belonged to my husband. The reason it had NOT fired was he had put the safety on. I did not know this. I knew nothing about guns and was terrified of them. A day or two (maybe on Christmas, I don’t know) I had begun drinking. When the Officer’s found me, I had half a bottle of Prescription Narcotics gone. The gun did not fire because of the safety but, the Officers did not know this. The Officer stated that if I had not thrown the gun when I did, I would have died. He would not have had any recourse. God sent this Officer to my home that night. Anything could have happened! Someone could have misfired. I am alive. I lived.
On May 14, 2014 my Judge heard everything. I was even able to speak as well as my husband to the fact that I have Mental Illness. I am now home and have Probation for 4 years. My husband during the time of my incarceration took a class with NAMI called Family to Family. He is FINALLY dealing with my Mental Illness. I have begun taking a class called Peer to Peer.
I’m finding that NAMI has so much more to offer. I’m getting involved and staying that way. I’ll NEVER go back to where I cam from. I became strong. I never worked outside of my home. Married like I said, 33 years, never worked outside of my home. I always wanted to be a mother and wife. That was all I strived for. When my children left the home in 1999 I put my life into being a wife. I thought that my being a “mother” was gone, so I surrounded my life to my husband. When he left, somehow I got it into my head that my life as a mother and wife was gone. It ended. I had nothing to live for. Since my release, I’ve found this to not be true. I have so much to live for. As of this date I’m back on my medications and am possibly going back to school. I’ve written my Judge a letter of how I’m doing, I’ve found out he has asked about me. So, I’m going to keep in touch. As far as the Officer who arrested me….he will get a card quite often letting him know my status.