Hi all, I stumbled across this website as I was doing some research on mental health awareness. I just wanted to take the opportunity to praise this site for giving support to those who have suffered and continue to suffer with a mental illness.

I see people have submitted short stories on their past/present regarding struggles with mental health and how they’ve battled with it. It is inspiring, because the problem with having a mental illness is that you feel that you’re in a never ending dark tunnel, with no light whatsoever. But thankfully there is a light, no matter how useless life seems.

I as a 20 year old girl, have in fact been stuck in that tunnel too. It’s not pretty, in fact it’s rather exhausting and quite frankly daunting. Maybe I am one of the lucky souls who has found the light, as I hope others do to. I am fully aware that with my condition, it can come back and bite me. Sadly I can’t control it, but with the love of great people, it seems easier now to grab the bull by the horns.

I was always a bit different, whether it was at school, work or college. People just seemed to label it as a quirky/flamboyant personality, unfortunatley it’s more complex than that. With an image like this it becomes more difficult for people to establish whether one is ‘losing it’ or acting differently. So I wasn’t seeing any red flags when I fell into the dark tunnel, and neither did my nearest and dearest.

After many years of feuding with family, I pretty much was completely distanced from them. It was because they couldn’t cope with me anymore, at the time I couldn’t understand it. I felt completely misunderstood and frustrated. Perhaps this affected my condition or perhaps it couldn’t be helped. After suffering from parents divorcing, to being rejected by certain family members.. This lead to later life trauma and fear of abandonment… Which in itself is a common trait of those with BPD.

By summer 2013, my condition got worse without me knowing, I started to engage in risky behaviour, which included excessive drinking, dangerous driving, a constant need for attention and love. It sounds pathetic, these sound like normal attributes for a 19 year old girl? Apparantly not.

Because of my erratic and somewhat sudden-overbearing behaviour, I began to notice some of the friends I had were distancing themselves from me. This was a big red flag, with a huge fear of abandonment, I clung onto friendships that were in tatters as I feared to be on my own. I still to this day am thankful for those who stood by me and didn’t flee the scene when things became too much.

Things started to get worse, I felt completely lost. I tried to get help, but some people distances themselves as they couldn’t cope with the drama. I was completely in denial that there was the possibility of a mental health issue, I tried to get spiritual help, and seek help from religion. Nobody understood, I was told I was possessed by the devil and was damned. I felt hopeless.

I remember just getting a job in an office when my condition started to become worse. I was scared to go to work, I felt that the world was after me and that I couldn’t mentally cope. I had just left a college course that I truly loved and enjoyed.. But my mental health played a part in me having to unfortunatley leave, along with other stressful incidents going on at the time.

The bottom line is I couldn’t cope, nor with my mind, job, situation or life. I’d lost my family, friends, education, and home. The funny thing is, it was about to get a lot worse.

On May 5th 2013, I sat in my car just thinking about what was going on and how I didn’t understand what was happening? I’d never been a bad person, I’d always had some sort of faith in God so why was I being punished? I got tired of thinking and abandoned my car in the middle of Redditch and sat on a bench. I placed 2 packets of pills in my handbag plus a bottle of red wine, I chugged the wine and downed the pills 2 at a time within a 10 minute period.

I plugged in my earphones and sat listening to Radiohead, staring it and failing to make sense of what was going on. I sat for hours on end, waiting to feel some effects.

I started to walk around the neighbourhood, waiting for the pills to kick in. Eventually I started to feel sick, and quite scared. I told a friend of mine what had happened as I sat down by the Co-Op feeling nauseous. Minutes later, she turned up in a car and drove me to the hospital.

I was waiting in the A&E ward anxiously waiting to see the results, I was told that I was lucky. I’d got to the hospital in time, so no damage was done. I felt a sense of shame and embarassment, then a team of people sat next to my bed. They told me they were a mental health liaison team who wanted to help me.. That in itself was a horrifying thing to hear at the time. ‘Mental health team’ I thought I was just having a crappy few months, nothing serious. No, I refused to believe it.

The team told me that it was best If I had a ‘quiet few days away’ in a clinic… Located in the middle of nowhere. It would be run by a mental health team who would analyse me and keep me ‘safe.’ I was put in a car straightaway and driven to a countryside in Kidderminster, where I was greeted by a few mental health nurses who showed me to a tiny room. I was stuck here with no communication, nobody knew where I was and I didn’t want to be here. This in itself scarring me to this day.

When I was released, I asked the nurses to phone my new job to tell them what happened.. As I was too ashamed. When I returned to the job, I was told they didn’t think I was mentally fit for the job and was discharged. Great, so now no job.

I literally had nothing left, I told myself that the things I had lost were all materialistic and that they could be replaced. Great. But what about all the people that I’d driven away?

Weeks rolled away and I tried to overcome what was happening, my mental health became more overbearing. I began having hallucinations, I remember being stood in the living room desperately trying to rip it off. I have no idea why, my moods were all over the place. One minute I was as high as a kite.. The next I was on the floor sobbing uncontrollably.

I remember one day feeling considerably low, I grabbed a shaving razor, bottle of vodka, sleeping pills and ran down to Morton Stanley Park. I sat In a concluded space in the grass, a secret den if you like.. Running through the bushes, sitting on the grass, downing straight vodka and taking some pills. Then cutting my chest and arms, I felt a great sense of both pain and peace. I began to feel sleepy so I ran back home, sat in my bedroom.. Took the rest of the pills and downed the rest of the vodka. Then I sat on the bed, thinking about my death and how I wasn’t afraid. I couldn’t cope with my mind anymore, I felt that I was my worst enemy and that I needed to defeat myself in order to bring myself and others is hurt peace. The last thought I had was ” I’m only 19, something’s got to give, surely ones life in teenage years can’t be this bad, it must be more complex than this”

It was all a blur after that, I remember hearing a distorted sound which was my friend waking into my room (which she kindly took me in, seeing as I was homeless) and said “why is there pills and vodka next to your bed?”

I thought nothing of it and just completely went.

I woke up at 3 in the morning, surprised to be alive.. My arms still dh scars on them. But I didn’t feel sick or in pain? I thought it was a lucky escape.

July 12th 2013, 4.00 am I crawled into my friends room in pain and vomiting. “I’m sorry, please help me. I want to live but I can’t do this anymore” I said.

My friend and her mum shipped me straight to A&E again. I was sat in my bed, anxiously waiting to hear of how much damage I’d caused. The nurse came over to try and do an ECG, I remember her telling me to keep still so she could perform the ECG. But I started having a fit, my skin started to go yellow and I was vomiting orange liquid everywhere. I remember waking everyone in A&E by crying for help, I was then whisked away to anther ward and unit, where I was made to drink charcoal… I continued to vomit (and frustrate the other patients) whilst crying and clutching my stomach.

Eventually I went into a deep sleep.

I awoke to find a nurse attatching me to a drip where I could flush my body from all of the pills.. It was to preserve my organs from damage.

I then turned to my side to see my mum who I hadn’t spoken to in months at my bed side. She told me I needed professional help, and that if I got out of hospital, she would take me back into the home and would look after me properly.

When discharged, the mental health team told me that I was to be kept at home, when going out I had to be supervised, and every day I had mental health nurses and social workers coming to my house to give me medication and to keep an eye on me.

I was due an appointment at hillcrest mental health unit, where I had to have an assessment.

“Judging by your records, and from what we’ve witnessed at your home, we are seeing many symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.. We need to keep regular checks on you with daily medication."I refused to have to rely of medication daily at the age of 19.

I refused to believe what I was hearing, I didn’t want to take any medication as I was still in denial..

I wasn’t taking my medication and my family started to notice. It all erupted one day when my family were screaming at me to take my meds and get better. It was just like the classic Eastenders scene when Stacey Slater realises she has Manic Depression/Bipolar after denying it for so long. She looks in the mirror and reality sinks in, that’s what happened to me. I took one big dose of reality and had to accept the fact that I had a mental health illness….

Months later I decided enough was enough, I went back and finished the college course I abandoned. I went and got a job after being told by doctors that I was unable to work.

Admittedly, I was still going to mental health sessions and psychotherapy where they came to the final conclusion that I suffered from both Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.
Double whammy, It took me a whole to accept I had one illness let alone two.

I was still taking meds and just thought to myself. “Suck it up and deal with it.”

Hey presto! So I did.

One year later I’m engaged to the love of my life, whom I met through my wonderful friend who took me in and got me medical attention on both of my suicide attempts. I’m also no longer on any of my medication…

I have some fantastic friends, wonderful in-laws, some amazing family, a career and most importantly, my soulmate who I will be marrying very soon.

It just goes to show that from years of being in the dark tunnel that was never ending, and being in denial for so long. I have finally found the light, anyone can. Don’t ever assume you’re stranded and alone because you’re not. There’s many people who suffer from mental health illnesses.

More young people are being diagnosed with mental health illnesses, I am one of them. There is plenty of support even if you don’t know that now, you will.