I first thought of suicide in grade school and have struggled with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder for over 10 years. My life was controlled by fear and I have struggled with negative coping skills for years. Self-harm was a way to control the pain I felt and then I ended up turning to substances to numb myself. Because of some childhood experiences and traumas in my late teens and early twenties I developed severe PTSD. I have had several attempts to take my own life with the most recent one being extremely severe over six months ago. I used to hate myself and think the world was better off and that I was a victim of a cruel world. In June of this year I took some of the power back. I decided to learn from my past and look at the positives.

I may be overly emotional at times but my experiences in life including the negative ones make me better able to help others. I am strong and I realize this now because I am a survivor and a fighter. I used to wake up every day for years and hate the fact that I woke up now I wake up and smile. No matter what struggles I come upon whether it be loss or seeing someone who traumatized me I know that I am okay overall. People are not all bad and I realized I would never speak to others the way I used to speak to myself and put myself down. I do not deserve disrespect from anyone not even myself. I have 107 days clean today, am on a biweekly schedule with my therapist, see my doctor every three months at this point, and can look in a mirror. I am also employed and an asset to my workplace. I was ready to file for disability yet here I am working part-time and appreciated for my work ethic. Things are not all better but each day things do improve. I have not self-harmed in months and the thoughts of suicide have subsided. I have not been able to say I am happy or doing well truly since I was about 12 years old.

I am not my illnesses nor am I what I struggle with. Today these things help shape me and I deal with them but I know they are not who I am. I am finally figuring out who I am because at the core I am kind, genuine, sarcastic, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a survivor, and a fighter. I have some down days still but overall I am grateful. I almost lost my life six months ago and still have physical complications but to even be able to drink water is amazing to me for I almost had to live without major digestive organs. I am alive, clean, and recovering from both my addiction and my illnesses and for that I am truly grateful. As long as I am alive, clean, and moving forward and changing then I am better than I was yesterday. You see life has its ups and downs I am just better able to handle them. When you think of giving up or ending your life remember that as long as there is breath there is hope and a chance for change!