Where I came from:

“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

(Was something said tonight, that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had always expected the fairy tale storyline to be my reality. The pretty pictures painted for us as children about what the world looks like. Yet, most of my life, the story never even somewhat resembled what I had been told. I resented that fact so much, and was angry at those who told me the “lies,” I was unable to see so many wonderful things that did happen. SO many wonderful people, who were in my life, are even now. I’ve fed off of the hate and anger for so long, I even feel at times in my life I included people who I knew would continue to enable my thought process that I had.

At one point my motto was if I had no expectations then if something good happened I’d be happy about it. But, that was lies to myself too, because it still never went my way, and I was pissed about that no matter how good the outcome was. Being rigorously honest with one’s self seems so impossible right now. How do I be honest with myself, when I thought I was being honest with myself when I was flat out lying about everything? I’m a master manipulator, and even now I have a hard time not resorting to the skills I learned to cope with such disappointments on a regular basis.)

{March, 4 2012-I’ve been out of the Navy for almost 9 years, and today I just realized I was held on board a ship threatened and terrorized for close to one full year by the United States Navy and there was nothing I could do about that. It has taken me almost that long to realize one year took my life away for 9. And people wonder why I’m so afraid of breaking the law, or messing with the government…. That happened, when I did nothing to deserve it!}

{Some scars are like wounds with a band aid, every time something reminds us we rip off the band aid and have no choice but to bleed… for however long it bleeds….. we can’t fix it, we just wait for it to bleed out. When it’s done we put a band-aid on it again, until it rips off once more. That’s PTSD.  Jan. 11, 2013}

My Now:

In 2010 I walked into the doors of NAMI Front Line for Veteran and Family, and someone said I had potential. I thought they were nuts. I had nothing to offer that world, nothing going for me… But this man said that I had a story to tell, that could someday save someone’s life.

Today, I own my own business, and am fulfilling my potential thanks to NAMI.  ~Bonnie Wilson~

Mental health issues were part of a lot of patterns in my family, neglect, alcoholism, drug abuse, child abuse, and religious abuse. Damaging habits like smoking cigarettes, poor hygiene, also limited education, and bad environments played a role in the patterns that created an unsafe or unbalanced situation when I was a child.

Ignored mental health issues in my family has been a huge pattern for many generations, and due to the mental health conditions likely being genetic, my whole life I’ve been in fear of becoming mentally ill as some point in my lifetime. Manic Depression or now more often called Bipolar Disorder runs through every generation, in some form.  My mother is diagnosed, and also slightly schizophrenic on top of the highs and lows of bipolar disorder.

My mother dated and married men who would abuse her, and had alcohol or drug problems.  My grandmother’s first husband was mentally and physically abusive. I vowed to never depend on a man, because in my mind that’s why the women in my life had to stay with these men who mistreated them. When I joined the military I had a very hard time adjusting, but I knew I was breaking the mold by being the first and only woman in our family to join the armed services.  However, my mother continued to have relapses and stopped taking her medications thinking she is well. I think the main reason no one ever went to get treatment before my mother was because of the stigma on mental health back in her day, and my grandmother’s day. Sadly mental health is still highly stigmatized and people who develop or are born with such illnesses are afraid to admit a problem is there due to the way people look at you after they find out you are mentally ill. Even I was terrified to seek treatment after my sexual trauma in the military due to the fear of the stigma and the way people would treat me after.

A few years ago I noticed in my VA health record that I had be diagnosed Bipolar 2. I’ve let it ride, mainly because I’m afraid to ask if it’s a mistake. The more I read about it the more I realize I’m likely very much finally diagnosed correctly. I’ve also figure that maybe it’s time to not be afraid of the condition just because my mother could not or chooses not to get the proper help. I don’t have to continue that cycle. I think I worried so badly about being my mother for so many years, that I would not accept that I could have the same condition… I refused to accept it.

The difference is, I know where to get the right help. I know what to do. So, there is zero excuse for me to turn into what my mother has become. The facts do not stop me from being terrified. I even told myself years ago, that if I ever found out I was Bipolar, I’d never have children. Not that the likelihood is high for me anyway… But, now I’m thinking I was way too hard on this mental health condition. My mother is responsible for some of her choices, there was help out there, she chose to not seek the help she needed. I am not going allow this condition to control my life, and choose if I will procreate or not. There are many people out there with multiple mental health conditions who raise children just fine. Plus, I’ve been thinking for a long while now that maybe kids just are not in the cards for me anyways. Regardless, of what labels some doctors have given me.

I feel much differently now, and fight against the stigmas on mental illness with multiple organizations like NAMI! I am living proof that you can live a “Normal” life, with mental health problems. Whatever “NORMAL” Is..

I vowed to stop being afraid of the illness, and to start learning about what causes these types of issues in families.. I love helping others to see that having a label of some mental health condition is not the end of their lives. Maybe if my family was not so ashamed of their chemical imbalance, and sought the help they needed some of the pain and suffering could have been avoided. I guarantee if I ever have children, they will never experience the type of pain my family has due to uneducated, fearful, and ignorance of helpful treatment options, to enable those of us with conditions to live our lives.

Today, I am capable, no matter my limitations, no matter my down days, no matter what…..

Thank you for reading!

Bonnie May Wilson Bakersfield, CA

PTSD, Anxiety, Major Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar 2, Fibromylgia, Chronic Pain, VOLUNTEER, ADVOCATE, MENTOR, MASSAGE THERAPIST, BUSINESS OWNER, FRIEND, SURVIVOR.

You are not your LABELS!

Hello my name is Katharine bernal. I have been diagnosed with bi-polar 1 disorder since 2002. Also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder just within the last two years. As a little girl I always knew something was wrong but both my parents ignored all the signs, until it was almost to late. I’ve been on my medication and it works wonders. I am who I am and am not going to let these disorders define me. I do have my up and down days but I always get through them. I was raised a strong woman, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Stay Strong. Thanks for listening.

I was diagnosed as manic-depressive in April of 1978 after I had a psychotic episode on January 13th, 1978 — my mother’s 50th birthday.

I am also a recovering alcoholic.  God willing, on August 8, 2014, I anticipate celebrating 34 years of continuous sobriety.

My mission is to trust God, clean house, and help others.  I wish to share my experience, strength and hope when appropriate.

My youngest brother is now 51 and has been institutionalized with schizo-affective disorder since he was 23.  He is not dumb; he had completed 3 years of college when he had a breakdown.  He is in a place called Park Place in Tacoma, Washington State.

I have had numerous psychotic episodes, both breast cancer and esophageal cancer.  I am 64 years young and am a survivor.  I have not been hospitalized for bipolar disorder since 1992.  I have chronic kidney disease as a result of taking lithium for many years; do you??  

I hope I can give hope to others who have mental illness.  My advice:  Be sure to ask for help.  I have never been in the mental health system; I have always been private pay — without the assistance of my family.  This can be done, although it is not easy.  

Once again, you are NOT alone in this fight!

This is hard for me to come out and talk this way but I’ve been so alone and sick of being so angry, mad, hateful and destructive lately. I was diagnosed with PTSD and bi-polar in Sept 2004. I was 5 months pregnant and had a placenta abruption and I gave birth to a 16oz little boy that had to stay in the NICU for 5 months, meanwhile I had to have a total hysterectomy at 24 years old. They couldn’t barely save me, I died 3 times and they shocked my heart one more time and I came back. I haven’t been the same since. I am on abilify and cymbalta but I am severely depressed, I make stupid decisions and I have 6 kids to care for. I need someone to talk to that I can trust. Please help any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Six days after giving birth to my son something happened. I was diagnosed with post-partum psychosis. I was hospitalized for 10 days and couldn’t help take care of him for two months. I was also a new RN before I became pregnant. I could not go back to work for 10 months after I had my son. A psychiatrist told me that, if I had another child, there was a 50% chance that this would happen again and a 50% chance that I would not come out of that state at all. I think mental illness can be passed down genetically. My grandmother had very similar symptoms as mine. However there was no treatment like now. She could never have worked and she struggled to get by.

So at 22 years old, I had a tubal done so I couldn’t get pregnant again. I was fine for four years. I had a good job and got a promotion. The stress of a different job and responsibilities of being a wife and mother were too much. It happened again. I had to be hospitalized for 20 days. I was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder (manic type) and schizo-affective behavior. Thank God I found a good psychiatrist who tried newer medications that worked. I was out of work for nine months. I do not remember most of the time I spent in psychiatric hospitals, except praying for health.

Today, I am still an RN. I’ve been working for 12 years at the same place. Medication is the key for me—along with supportive family members. I also have strong faith in a loving God.

My mental illness began when I was a child. My mother says she always knew there was something “wrong” with me, but didn’t help me. I know that I was always different from my friends and most comfortable when I was alone. My first diagnosis—depression—came when I was a teen. I was only briefly medicated and even then I didn’t take the medication correctly. My first psychiatric hospital stay happened at age 18. That was my first suicide attempt by overdosing. As well as I can remember, the focus became the drugs and I didn’t address a lot of mental health issues. I was hospitalized several more times throughout my life and dealt with, mainly, a diagnosis of depression.  A string of other diagnoses occurred throughout the years, borderline personality disorder being one of them, and I saw many therapists and doctors off and on through the years and have been through more therapy than I care to remember. Each has his/her own diagnosis and pill prescription. Much of the time, I was not medicated and I dealt with the consequences of my illness on a regular basis. I self-medicated and saw the inside of many jails and treatment facilities. So, often my drug use and drinking was the focus—not my mental illness.  

When I was 51, while I was in a mental health outpatient program, I was finally diagnosed correctly. I’d always had major depression issues but my manic side never manifested in front of doctors or therapists. This program was five days a week, all day long. My therapist there took the time to observe the differences in my behavior and asked me if I’d ever had a bipolar diagnosis. I hadn’t. Together, we researched bipolar disorder and agreed that, yes, I was bipolar.  It was almost a relief. The disorder fit me to a tee and explained so much. Today, I am 58 and have been medicated for several years. There was quite a bit of experimenting with different medications but that has now evened out. I’ve been on the same main medication for awhile now and I’ve never been calmer or more rational.  I’m going to grow old peacefully. Obviously, my point is that you should never give up; I’m so very glad that I didn’t. 

Well, where should I start …

I’m 24 year old that lives with my parents. They both suffer from schizophrenia, mother bipolar schizophrenia and father paranoid schizophrenia. It can be externally difficult  to take care of them especially because I work all the time and its hard to get them to listen. I have come to this web site to reach out to find some type of solution to get them on the right track. This weighs heavy on my heart  to constantly see my parents lose touch with reality.  I have hope that there is a solution just gotta look for some answers !

Hello, My name is Rachel. I am 18 going on 19 years of age. I think a lot of people regret their lives and I am done with regretting my life and what has happened. When I was 11-13 years of age going to a very religious school, I understood that I was not mentally like the other kids. I also discovered that I was bisexual and I became very scared of myself. I was picked on a lot, which lead to a very deep depression at a young age. In high school I suffered from a lot of substance abuse and extreme mental health problems, self harm and being in an abusive relationship with a friend and a boyfriend. Life was too much and I attempted to take my life countless times. After moving out of my house on welfare, and coming back in a complete mess I realized the only hero that can save you is yourself. I had to stop blaming myself for everything in my life, and I had to lend myself a hand and say ” I got you man, I got you”. At first I was not going to therapy properly, and was taking all the wrong medication but now when I went to therapy I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. I have been working really hard to educate my friends and family and myself about the disease. My family and I are becoming on good terms and my friends are really supportive. I am learning with my therapist about letting things go and finding peace within myself. Months later now I am on my feet, working a part-time job, I got into University, I work out, I eat healthy, and I am starting to see the sun. My medication so far has been working and I feel balanced. I used to think how I am supposed to get my dream career, help others, get married and live my life with this disease. But we can! We can all do it! No matter who you are, we can do it. We can all recover and live successful lives. My goal in my career is to make that known to others, and give hope and a better life for others. Everyone just needs to remember you are your own hero to the path to a better life.

It always feels weird talking about the first half of my life. I’ve heard enough stories and seen enough pictures to be able to recite events, but I don’t actually remember more than three or four things from the first ten years. They mostly came in snapshot memories and through repetition.

My mother was diagnosed with severe Bipolar Disorder when I was just starting elementary school, but she’d been exhibiting symptoms since she was kid.
She had a major distrust of doctors and this made diagnosis and medicating her a difficult task, and remember her going in and out of the hospital constantly because she was “sick”, according to my dad.
As a child, her homelife had been incredibly difficult. Her father had alcohol dependence issues, and her mother was pretty emotionally abusive to the whole family and got physical with her younger sister sometimes.

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